He is Greater.....John 3:30 says He must become greater, I must become less"

 It's December 31.  Tomorrow starts a new year, new month, new week On A Monday!!!!!  Is this epic for anyone else?  The entire holiday season from the week before Christmas until now has been me wondering what day it is, where do we need to go and who will be around.....I am so dysregulated.  Tomorrow it all makes sense again.  Tomorrow is Monday and even though I won't start my work week until Tuesday, the Mondayness of Monday, January 1, 2024 is glorious to me.  Fresh starts, fresh dates, fresh awareness....except I will retire my 2023 word for the year and replace it with a new word that I am pretty excited about.  I quietly asked the Lord if He had a word for me for 2024....something to train my thoughts upon, a word to be my lighthouse when I find myself feeling lost, worried, defenseless.  I know He will never leave me or forsake me but this world is stinkin hard and sometimes it feels like I'm not sure what to do next.  If I have a word that links me to Him, then I

 On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 11 drummers drumming....representing the 11 disciples who went on to tell the world about Jesus.  Judas betrayed him and the other 11 went on to spread the gospel and share the salvation story...the first missionaries.  If it were not for these 11 drummers drumming I would not have known about Jesus.  I would not be saved and have my future secured in Heaven.   On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 12 Lords a Leaping....it is said this represents the 12 points of the Apostles Creed.  I was required to memorize this creed in my church growing up....and later when I found myself lost and confused and broken and a long, long way from home, God used this creed to help me stay sane and not lose my mind.  I recited it over and over and I wrote it in journals and I repeated it on dark and scary nights.  The 12 Lords a Leaping likely saved my sanity as well as my soul.   It is Christmas Eve.  Tonight we will have our candle

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 9 ladies dancing.   the dancing ladies mean the Fruit of the Spirit.  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control.   When Holy Spirit dwells in you and me, we bear this fruit.....Matthew 12:33 says Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is  recognized by its fruit.   I want to be a good tree with good fruit.  I want to be known and recognized by this fruit.....If we look at the opposit of these 9 ladies dancing we see the following:  Hate, Sorrow, War, Impatience, Meanness, Evil, Fearful, Harshness and Indulgent.  Lord let us be repulsed and repelled from these things, and instead lean into the ladies dancing.  Let us work to grow and tend good trees, full of life and good fruit.   On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 10 Lords a Leaping.....the 10 Commandments.  These were given to Moses on the mountain top be

 Whoa did I fall behind!   5 Golden Rings:  first 5 books of the bible, aka pentateuch 6 Geese a Laying:  God made the world in 6 days 7 Swans a Singing:  7 gifts of the Holy Spirit:  Prophesy, service, teaching, encouraging, giving, leadership and mercy 8 beatitudes:  poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, those who are persecuted because of righteousness.   The Pentateuch is the books of Moses, and theologians say this forms the foundations of the Bible.  Genesis, Exedus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deutoronomy.  As the world gets stranger and more muddy it may be important to know what's in these books.  Just sayin'. 6 Days of creation.....amazing.  mind-blowing.  significant. 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit:  if you want them, pray.  Ask God to gift you with them and then when He does, don't exuse or deny you have the gift.  Use it.  Share it  Bless God with it.   8 Beatitudes:  t

 On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree......see now you are singing it too aren't you?! The 4 calling birds are said to represent the 4 gospels of the new testement.  Mathew, Mark, Luke and John.  All 4 gospels share mostly the same stories of Jesus birth, life, and death.  Each author shares their own perspective of the stories....because perspective matters.   Synonyms for perspective are the following:  angle, aspect, attitude, context, mindset, prospect, viewpoint.   What is my perspective with 10 days left until Christmas?  What angle will I take to approach the next 10 days?  What aspect of this advent season will I take with me into December 26 and ultimately into the next new year?  What is my attitude at home?  At work?  When I am faced with challenges and adversity?   If something makes me sad and frustrated, like hearing about Josiah's day today made me feel....can I keep

 According to my very scientific (google) search, the 3 French Hens represent the 3 theological virtues of Hope, Faith and Charity.  It resonates with me that these three are theological virtues because without God they are not possible long term.   Hope:  For me, hope means believing in the better way, believing change will come, believing that good exists and will prosper.  Hope is not giving up or giving in to dispair, but rather searching for the optimistic and ever-possible.  Without hope I could not follow the news, or show up for church every week, or stay in relationships with family and friends.  Hope is this sparkly, glittery thread that weaves in and out of the present into the future and back again to wrap around us and keep pulling us forward.  Romans 5:5 says this:   And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. yes and amen. Faith:  Oh my.  Faith is a hard one.  Faith is st

 On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 turtle doves and a partridge in a pair tree.  It is believed that the 2 turtle doves represent the old and new testement of the bible.  Doves represent truth and peace.   I don't have much to say about the Old and New Testament other than the old testament is pre-Jesus and the new is the rest of the story after he was born, lived, died and the church as we know it was born.  I like going to church.  I don't always agree with church order but church is like family to me....and you don't walk away from family.  I had a season as a young adult where I did walk away from church and from Jesus and it was the darkest and lonliest time of my life.  It was so miserable that when I decided to turn 180 degrees and walk back into faith and a relationship with Jesus it was for good and for forever.  I never want to feel that alone ever again.  I am never alone because I walk with Jesus now.  The Old Testament needed the New Tes

 On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me....a partridge in a pear tree.  Christian folk lore says that the partridge in a pear tree represents Jesus Christ, who died on a cross for us.  I read that a mother partridge will die to protect her young.  Jesus did this for you and for me.  It is right to start the 12 days of Christmas looking at Jesus.  It is His birthday we are making a fuss about after all.  I'm sure he enjoys his birthday celebrations.  I sure do!  I love to celebrate birthdays for people I cherish.  I want their day to make them feel special and loved and wanted and important. Jesus, how do celebrate your birthday?  How do we elevate you in our attention and focus, make you the most important person of the day?  How do we show you you are special and loved and wanted and important?  Show us this year, Lord Jesus.  Please show us and give us your wish list.   I learned today that at the Capital building of my state, Iowa, in Des Moines, there is a displa

  These are my people.  My big kids gifted me for Mother's Day with a photo shoot organized and paid for.  It has always been hard for me to schedule family photos so this gift is extra special.  We did the photos late summer/early fall.  Our smiles do not reveal how hot or windy it was that day.  Yet and still we managed to get some really great pictures, thanks to our sweet and competent photographer...Cassie Beth.   Here is the thing.  This photo tells so many stories...so so many stories.  Each of the 9 of us could be a story, a novel on our own.  Then if you pair up any of the 9 with another, there are more stories to tell, and in groups of guys or girls still other stories to tell.  Looking at Roger and I....chapters and chapters of stories...and separate us out each of us is also a story.  Our lives are stories. I have told my kids over and over that their lives matter.  They were created by God to do something in this life that will expand His kingdom, give Him Glory and ma

 Well we have made it to the end of October.  A beautiful month in a fabulous season comes to an end.  I was able to successfully avoid all of the demons and spooks and zombies.  It was a memorable month of fall colors and temperatures....crunchy leaves and huge sunsets...God showed up and He showed off.  He is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine.  In October: 1.  We did some remodelling that makes our home feel fresh and beautiful thanks to my sis Jen Sanbulte. 2.  Roger got the hot tub fixed after a year...and almost has the in ground pool closed. 3.  Extra Kredits have moved on to family placement. 4.  We had family photos taken for the first time in a long time and we got them back and I love them. 5.  I watched "The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" twice.....the best and only redeeming part of Halloween for me.   6.  I discoverd Honey Nut squash at Costco....seriously a fall game-changer. 7.  Precious decided to try girls wrestling and show choir fo

 In case you are checking back in....the transition went so well Friday.  If you prayed then thank you.  It was kind of a crazy deal....because that's how things often happen here.  I had taken a couple car loads of the xK stuff to the relatives already and had some things on the table yet.  xK kids never came home from school.  For some reason the bus dropped them off at their new home!  I got a text that they were there...and we had a mad scramble for random other reasons ( a mom and baby needed a ride to the clinic so I was out driving around trying to find them because she wasn't sure of her house number...and there was a language barrier....and some guy with a flat tire who wouldn't pull over that was slowing down traffic).  Kids stopped by and grabbed a few things and took off again with their family and I never did say good-bye.  I took a few more loads of their stuff to their new home in the dark and quietly left them in the back....texted the family and tip toed ba

 Tonight is our last night with our extra kredit kiddos.  Tomorrow they transition out of foster care placement and they will live with family.  This is a good, good thing!  They are loved and wanted and will be well cared-for.  But they don't know that.  They are just 5 and 7 years old and they have been here in our home with us for 8 months.  8 months is a lifetime for a 5 year old.  My heart is heavy tonight for them because they just do not know what they cannot know.....that even though everything changes tomorrow, it will be ok.  It will all be ok.  They will be safe and loved and delighted in and treated with respect and goodness.....tonight I had to tell little miss that I promised they would be ok....that I would not let them go if I didn't think it would be ok (nevermind I have no actual power in any of this but its ok if she thinks that I do).   Foster care is a strange and shifty beast.....the first night with a new placement is so hard.....and then you settle in an

 Well here we are again....October first.  October is a beautiful, magical month of fall.  If only we didn't have to deal with all the Halloween spooks and witches and darkness.  Why must we ruin a perfectly good month with all of this scary stuff?  Nevermind.  I know why.  Sorry if Halloween happens to be your favorite holiday.  It's not mine and it's my blog so I can write what I want.  My kids don't do scary because I don't do scary.  I spend all of my parenting energy making a safe and nurturing world for the kids I love and then October tries to ruin it all with all this terror and zombie and undead haunting.  Good grief.   Today our pastor preached about God bringing light to the darkness, order to the chaos and life unto death.  I guess that's what I need to do for the 31 days of October..... For today, we began the month going to church, taking family pictures, watching football on tv and going out for pizza.  October 1.  Tomorrow, on October 2 we will g

 and I quote..... "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.   She had so many children, she didn't know what to do. She gave them some broth without any bread; And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed." What. the actual heck?  This is one of the age-old nursery rhymes....and I'm disturbed by it.  I've always had issues with "rockabye baby"....and figured it was created by some really tired mom one night who was at the end of herself....but the old woman in the shoe?  That is actually a child abuse call for me as a mandatory reporter.  Just sayin..... This morning I got my tribe to church.  A few other times I have walked into our worship room with a line full of littles and smiled apologetically because I know that on these sundays we will be distracting to those around us.  Some of the kids will act up and act out and inevitably there will be trips to the bathroom frequently.....and each time I file in with a line full of kids I hear this whi

 I remembered today that I had been doing a monthly reflection since January.  I missed June...and apparently July.  Here we are on the second day of August and I find myself aware of it...aware of how June flew by and July slipped by and now I'm settling into August....aware.  June was a full month of ball games and volleyball competition and vacation.  It was also the last month of my fiscal year of my work as a public health nurse and that means there are lots of reports due and documentation needed to make sure we get funded again.  June was a lot and it was awesome...and hot....and busy.   July slowed down a bit with more nights at home, more lazy pool afternoons and a break from the heat.  We caught fireflies and we cooked more meals at home.  We decided to tackle a huge project long overdue and tore out carpetting in our main living area.  This carpet has been there for over 40 years.  It was gross and disgusting....suffice it to say that I am very, very aware of how unsettl

 Josiah took out his braids today...well, his friend Charlie took them out.  His natural hair is growing long and gorgeous....and we are hoping that tomorrow our Nisha will come and style it again.  Charlie also wants his hair braided...and his sister Aaliyah.  Our Nisha is gifted and talented and passionate about braiding and styling and growing healthy black hair.  She is invaluable to me....not just because she braids but because I love her as a person.  Her talent to do my kids hair is extra.....hair is a big deal in black community....as a white mom of black kids its also a big deal.   In case you don't know....here is a bit of info.  When we decided to adopt a child and opened our profile to any race of child we were instructed to do some learning.  Their is a really good book called  A Hair Story.  I used to own it but I maybe loaned it out....find it and read it if you can.  There is also a really good documentary from Spike Lee called "Good Hair" available on you

 I facilitate a parenting course called Circle of Security.  It's pretty amazing and I love walking parents through the 8 sessions and seeing how it unpacks all of the good things.  One of the sessions addresses babies and small kids having feelings and allowing them to have those feelings without pushing them to a feeling that we as caregivers are more comfortable with.  For example, baby is crying and sad about something and caregiver tries to cheer baby up and "fix it" with a toy or something....rather than just being with the baby while they are sad and being patient until the feeling passes.   As a culture, we suck at this.  Myself included.   When we force children to change their feeling before they are ready to move on, we basically tell them that what they feel is wrong and should change.....and force the feeling or emotion we expect to replace it. I can't prove it but I believe this is part of what is making our kids anxious and dysregulated.  It's just

 Apparently they are just a nocturnal form of beetles...and no one really gets excited about beetles.  Fireflies, however, feel magical.  Where I live, they show up the end of June/beginning of July and last just a few weeks.  If you are driving at night, they light up the ditches.  If you are intentional and go outside at sunset they dance in the backyard and coax you to try to catch them....and this only lasts an hour or so a night because once the sun goes down and nighttime falls, they disappear....magical.       Two nights ago I introduced the extra Kredits to fireflies....they were blown away, excited, squealing and a bit apprehensive.  They were each given a jar and started to chase them and catch them.  Once contained they shook the jar to light them up despite my warning that they would harm the little critters.  We came inside and they agreed to open the lids of the jars of fireflies so they could fly away.  In the morning, some had died in the jars....and the jars were left

 At work, not long ago, we were talking about making plans, taking trips, doing the above and beyond kinds of things and  a co-worker said they were thinking about a trip but weren't sure if they should go or not.  I told her, "Do the things.  Do all of the things.  We only get one trip around in this life and we should make as much of it count as we can!"  She told me later that she booked the trip and they went.  It just matters.   There is never enough time to do the things, and certainly not enough money to do the things, and maybe all the things are not practical or necessary.....but I stand by my philosophy that whenever possible.....do the things.   Allowing Precious to try out for and join a travelling club volleyball team was pretty outrageous.....and definitely extra.....and not very practical.  We did it because she was having a really hard year with school friends and was feeling pretty low.....and this would expand her world a bit more and speak life and love

 Today is June 21, the longest day of the year, Summer Solstice.  The first day of summer is today!  We are in Florida for a vacation/volleyball national championship tournament for Precious.  We are making new friends here which is a big deal at 55 years old.  We are appreciating all the things in Florida that are different than home....the trees and flowers, the wildlife, the skies.  Here in Orlando you can have 3 separate thunderstorms and in between hours and hours of sunshine.....back home they are crying out for rain.       This morning my devotional challenged me to ask God to reveal himself to me through nature....and so I did.  I love fresh revelation....and I love the skies especially with clouds.....and I love the Lord.  We did lots of things today on vacation....but I also watched the skies and noticed the clouds and recognized the bigness of the sky, the power of the wind, and the beauty of the clouds.      He didn't have to make it all so interesting.....it could have

 it's Mothers Day weekend.  I used to try to do a birth mom saturday thing and we went and bought flowers and planted them in pots....but it caused so much pain and heartache and my kids were sobbing....and I was thinking to myself....um.  no thank you.  We will deal with all the birth trauma but not this weekend..because I'm the one suffering here.  We stopped doing that because...only God can sort that out. our extra kredits have not seen their mama for awhile.  she left.  they have lots of other family that love them but I was warry and anxious about how mother's day would be for them.  Gosh.  They are troopers...they are beyond resilient.  They are grounded and rooted and grateful and hopeful and they know they are loved.  Only God ...  I also have 3 bio kids that are older and don't need so much...but are also old enough to understand Mother's Day. They bless me and they make sure I understand that they see how much mothers mean....and I am just a mediocre mom.

 Last week Precious had a track meet.  She was running 3 events she was really excited for.  She had new shorts....she got up early to get ready and wanted to be there early to cheer for her teammates.  We went to watch.  It was cold and windy and really miserable....and I didn't pack enough blankets or warm clothing.  That meet didn't go well....she missed 2 out of her 3 events for reasons that were not necessarily her fault....but also left us frustrated and angry.  Roger tried to problem-solve with her after the meet which didn't go well.  She got angrier and more frustated and at the end of the night she had decided she hated track and was never going to run again.  And we couldn't make her.  And she wouldn't eat anything even though she hadn't eaten all day.  Next morning she left still mad, still not eating. I share all of this because it explains something about what it is like to feel frustrated and embarrased and helpless and angry.  For Precious, it is

 It's the last day of April.  In keeping with my current plan, I'm remembering my word for the year, and reflecting on the past month.  It is so easy to dwell on the problems of the day, or worry about the future....but it is important for me to pause here on the last day of April and just honor the month that has past.   April helped us move out of the bitter cold and extreme temps of March.  There were some sunny, warm and lovely days and there were som windy, cold and dreary days.  April always brings drizzle to IOwa....a cold, icy, rainy kind of thing that is not pleasant at all  unless one is at home, under a blanket watching Food Network or reading a bood.   April summoned me to see that the end of the school year is coming soon....and we began to plan for the summer things.  Sports camps, bible camps, daycare for the extra Kredits that remain with us for now, and which aspects of the pool and yard need to be dealt with first.  Spring is a beast in our backyard with much

 If you hang around me for awhile, you will understand that my work and my life and my home are all very porous.  They just have to agree and flow together because they are all so important.  I've been working though a training module for awhile and I finished it today.  It gives me professional continuing educational credit but it also validates what I know and live and breathe and want to share in my life.   You are welcome. You are wanted. You are Seen. You are heard. You are known. You are safe.  You are understood. You belong.  These are the tennants of healing, of trauma-informed care, of infant and childhood mental health, of what it feels like when you knock on my door and walk into my home.  These are the principles I want to live by in all things and on all days....and I want the kids I raise here and the friends I invite here and the extra kredits I help here to all absorb and pay forward once they understand.  These are the truths of the love of God.  This is the reason

 My 2023 word is Aware.  I am striving to end each month with some awareness to keep myself accountable to my word and also to live presently and reflectively.  March 2023...... 1.  Cliches are there because of their truth  If March comes in like lion, it goes out like a lamb.  This late afternoon of the last day of March is quiet, mild and gentle.  I'll take it. 2.  This month has been brutal with too much snow and cold and wind and clouds....I am aware that we humans need sunshine and fresh air desperately, especially by March in the midwest.  3.  I am aware that as the drizzle and cold rain fell today, green grass started to peek through. 4.  I am aware, and remembering, that when children act out and misbehave, sometimes what they really need is connection and attention and some shared delight.  Painting finger and toenails, planting some things in dirt, letting them have a deep and long bath with color tabs, making french fries for supper.   5.  Awareness of seasons changing..

 I'm writing on Thursday night but will likely post on Friday....to be technical.  I'm weighing in some thoughts on foster care tonight.  My new foster care t-shirt is washed and dried and folded to wear tomorrow....and I love it.  I bought it as a fund-raiser donation for my friend Sarah who was helping her daughter raise money to train her therapy dog.....her daughter has spina bifida and this dog will help her get around.  How cool is that!  So yeah....I bought the shirt.  (and maybe a cool bag)   Foster care is a really strange thing.  Unique.  Special and also bizarre and hard.  We have complete control over what our extra kredits eat, wear, and where they go and what they do.....we tuck them in at night and pray with them, we kiss their owies and give hugs and snuggles.....but we have no control or influence in what happens with their lives.  We hear and hold the hard stories....and document and report what we need to.  We fill out the forms and keep the appointments and

  I found a few minutes of solitude this morning.  As in so many other households, the mornings are crazy and rushed.....getting all the littles and middles up and dressed and fed, factoring in the extras that are invited in for a bowl of cereal and company as they wait for the bus.....and then realizing we are late but someone has to poop.....and we can't find the sneakers...... I found myself praying into my hands that covered my face, "Jesus please help".....even though it wasn't to save a life or solve world peace....it was just to find the shoes so I could get them all out the door on time.  He helped.  He got in the boat with me and we got the kids launched....and the dogs fed.....and I had some breakfast...and behold.....I had a few minutes to read and pray and worship this morning.   Mark 6:48-51......He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them.  About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake.  He

  Valentine's Day is a great time to celebrate and take inventory of the Love Factor.  Some people hate it because it brings up things that cause pain.....lonliness....someone they have lost or never had.  Some people love it because they earn their living selling things that are tied to this day, such as flowers, candy, fine dining, jewelry.....Media exploits it, making us wish for the romantic comedy we watch at the movies, or long for the life we believe is possible on the other side of an internet screen.....it's all part of the Love Factor.       I joined a group that had a goal to walk 60 miles in February and raise money for heart disease and research....I figured I could do that and celebrate Valentine's day in a healthful way this year....well it must have been warm that day....I think I only have 3 of the 60 miles completed and February is half way done.  I guess if I walk 4 miles a day for the next 2 weeks without missing a day I could still achieve the goal....b

 Yesterday I had a busy first day of February.  I worked a shorter day but had to rush home to take out braids for Precious because our braider Nisha was coming in the afternoon to redo her hair.  Josiah also wanted braids (he has asked for braids for a few years now) so they were both on the schedule!  Because it takes several hours to take old braids out and condition/rinse/dry hair to prep I had a tight schedule.  I put chicken in the crockpot aroun 2pm.     Curious question.....how is it that eggs are so expensive but I was able to find chicken breast last month for less than $2/lb?  I have been hoarding and stingy with my eggs but I have chicken in the freezer like nobody's business!  I took out 2 good size chicken breasts and thawed them in the morning...about 2.5 lb worth.  When I got home I threw them in the crock pot on high and mixed up the following seasoning:   3/4 cup Italian dressing 3 cloves garlic, minced 1/2 tbLS chili powder  1/2 Tbls ground cumin 3 TBS or one pac

 We spent the past weekend in Kansas City for a volleyball tournament with Precious and a club team she is playing with this winter/spring.  Kansas City is such a beautiful city with so much ethnic and cultural diversity. I told Precious I don't think we have ever spent time like this with so many different races and ethnicities that were all together for a common reason.....girls volleyball.  She fit right in...and so did we.  It was amazing and inspiring.  I'm so grateful.       Sunday morning we went down for breakfast at the hotel.  A woman stopped me in the breakfast lounge because she wanted to ask me about my t-shirt.  It was a Live Healthy Iowa t-shirt from a few years ago.  She asked if I was from Iowa...she has a daughter who goes to college at Iowa State....we chatted a bit.  She was sitting with her son and I commented that I really liked his hair.  I had noticed his braids and was impressed with the style.  She thanked me and said she had braided it this morning...

 There is a trend going that involves choosing a "word" to focus on for the year.  I didn't do it for awhile because it seemed silly to me, and because I love words.....all of them....and did not want to feel inhibited or restricted by just one.  Last year I asked God if He had a word for me.  He did.  The word was "mountain".  I knew when I received and accepted that word, that it meant He was telling me it was going to be a challenging year.  I wasn't wrong.  2022 was a mountain of a year.  There were really good parts that felt like mountaintop moments, and there were really hard parts that felt like climbing a mountain that was really steep and I was walking up backwards on slippery gravel....I look at the year and can appreciate the mountain of all of it.  I'm grateful that God partnered with me in the foreshadowing of it and the journey through it.   Roger struggled with his job, then tore his achilles tendon and was virtually incapacitated for mon