He is Greater.....John 3:30 says He must become greater, I must become less"

 You know those Lindor Truffles?  The ones that come in the pretty celophane wrappers?  They are round and sweet and soft and if you are a grown up you can fit the whole thing in your mouth and then bite down and the flavor simply spreads like yummy goodness in your mouth.  Even after the candy is gone, the taste lingers ..and there are many flavors to choose from like peppermint, caramel, white chocolate to name just a few.    I was gifted a bag of these from a sweet family I know and love.  Initially they were left on the doorstep and later, they confessed they were gonna ding dong dash me for them but decided to just drop them off instead.   This week my devotional guided me through a spritual discipline called The Examen.  The challenge was to look at 2021 and consider the highlights and the low points and to remember.  I was challenged to go month by month, starting in January and look at each month of 2021.  My initial examen was broad strokes and I thought about the big events: 

 Well, I managed my own version of the 12 days of Christmas....imperfect as it was.  If I were to be factual I would have started December 25 and moved forward 12 days but that is not going to happen....culturally, it makes sense for all things to lead up to Christmas Day for me, as we prepare for and look to the birth of Jesus.   So here we are on the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me....twelve drummers drumming....and the clock just passed 12:00 midnight so it is officially Christmas Day.  I'm up because my sweet Josiah has a nasty croupy cough and instead of waking us both up with coughing and misery I offered to take first shift.  You see....Roger has a Christmas Day brisket out on the smoker so he will be up anyway after 3am checking the meat temps for his low and slow feast.....so he has second shift.  Hopefully Jojo can get some rest tonight.  He's had a rough few nights.  We are celebrating slower and later tomorrow with  our party at noon-ish.  Those drumme

  The eleven pipers are said to represent the 11 faithful disciples.....meaning all of Jesus' disciples except Judas who betrayed him.  I think today, in honor of Christmas Eve I will make a list of my own 11 thoughts on generosity.   1.  One can be a gift-giver without being generous.  Generosity is a state of mind and a matter of the heart.  2.  To be generous is more than to be self-sacrificing.  3.  The world is desperately in need of more daily generous stories.  4.  Traditions are a form of generosity.  5.  Forgiveness is generous and costly but so rewarding.  6.  Yesterday I brought another carload of gifts from a giver to a receiver.  In one of the bags was a stuffed fox.  The mom told me she had decorated her child's room with a fox theme but had not been able to find very many fox toys.....so the person who shopped had definitely heard from God when she chose the fox as a gift.  7.  Today someone asked me to stop by for an envelope to share with another family for a C

 Eight years ago today we stood in a court house with a judge to finalize Josiah's adoption.  He had been with us already for awhile because that's how these things go.  He came to us at six months, because his original mama needed help.  We were only gonna keep him for the long holiday weekend that May in 2013 but after a few days it became clear he wasn't going anywhere.  We didn't have a plan or a bedroom for a baby boy.....we had 4 kids and 4 bedrooms and he was in a pack-n-play in our room because when he got dropped off that day in May, that's what we could manage. We managed ok and talked through different options for how to move kids around, make a temporary bedroom in the basement, etc. but we were busy doing life and it just didn't get done.  Josiah wasn't a foster placement, it was a private adoption so we were not bound by any rules.  We were crammed in and we were literally on top of one another and it was working out....sort of. We had a trip p

 Thank you to everyone who thought of Jeremiah today.  Surgery went well and we are home!  When we got to the same day surgery center the nurse that got him ready turned to me.  "Are you Niki?" she asked?  She remembered me from 27 plus years ago when we both worked at that same hospital together shortly after we had both graduated.....craziness!  We marvelled at the fact that nursing had been very good to us, and that we had stuck with our chosen profession for so long and were still working in it....and she added that our education was also worthy of noting because it prepared us for longevity.  I'm so grateful for the preparation I received to be a nurse that would be able to do all that I have been honored to do all these years.  Community Health Nursing definitely has my heart. Prior to community health and more specifically maternal child health, I worked in Oncology, Med-Surg, Surgery, ER and OB.   I've done this work for over 20 years now, working with familie

 About 10 years ago someone surpised us with a Christmas blessing called Ding Dong Dash.  It involved the 12 days of Christmas and leaving a gift on our front step starting December 13 with a little poem.  The 12th day of Christmas was on Decemer 24 whereupon they revealed their identity to us.  Jeremiah was 7 or 8 at the time and the entire experience was epic for him.  He was shocked when they could leave the package and disappear right before our eyes....he tried to camp out and watch and never saw anyone....these Christmas elves were GOOD!  Our kids would wake up each morning talking about what it would be the next day, curious about when and where and how the little simple gift would appear.....it was magical and exciting and challenging and so much fun. The next year Jeremiah wanted to do it.  Oh buddy.....I don't know....really?  Yes mom!  Really!  Please!  He was so excited and if you know Jeremiah you know that his smile and shining green eyes are quite persuasive....so we

 They showed up tonight.  I heard the car doors and opened the garage.  I had a folding table ready.  I know this family.  They reach out every year and ask me if there is a family they can bless for Christmas.  I'm not sure how many years now but I'm guess it's close to a dozen if not more that they have asked and I have always said yes.  I choose one of my families who have already let me know that Christmas will be hard this year....I ask for the clothing sizes, the wants and needs, etc and give the list to my generous Christmas elf family (sometimes it's more than one family.....this year a couple of families asked and I got to match them up).   My friends go above and beyond the list given every year.....it's a family afair.  Their kids help shop and wrap and deliver the packages....the dad throws in meat.....and I get to smile and say thank you on behalf of the family who will receive this blessing in the morning.  They started this holiday gift-giving when th

 My young friend that I once called "extra kredit" lives elsewhere now.  I spent some time with the family that have said yes to him last week and we talked about all of the things....because I understand things that are harder to say to most folks.  This family needed a safe space to say the things and to ask the questions and because of all of the generosity in the world, I had some answers.  It was good for me to be with them because it reminds me again to be on my knees in prayer for them, and for him....what was hard for me is still hard for them and for him even though it no longer is my hard.   I got to deliver Christmas presents to them for him because a generous group chose to bless local kids in foster placement for the Holidays.  She let me choose the gifts because I had known him longer that she had at the time of the inquiry.  When I talk with her and visit her and pray for her and text her I want to hug her every single time but even though we share a child we a

 In the Fall a friend told me she would be opening her home to someone who needed a safe place to stay for awhile.  I wasn't aware that this was something she did from time to time because in addition to being generous with her home, she is also humble and protective of the ones she shows hospitality to.   Months later I asked how things were going and she shared that she hoped the guest could stay awhile longer as they were really enjoying each other's company.   More recently she mentioned that this new friend had never experienced Christmas before.  I asked if I could try help make it a fun Christmas with gifts and she said she would really appreciate that....so I threw a little request out into Facebook world to see if anyone wanted to help with a Christmas Blessing for a couple of local gals.  Today I got to drop off some gifts, some food and a thick envelope of gift cards at the home of these two.  I wanted them to have it in time to do some shopping of their own if they

 Decembr 17.  Today's story about generosity is actually something that happened a few days ago.  I was working and doing a home visit to a woman who didn't speak English.  I had an interpreter with me to help me do the teaching and assessments I needed to do.  Part of the work involved asking this individual what her date of birth was and she gave it to me but proceeded to explain that it was really just a number.  I asked her to tell me more about that.  Well, she said, where she comes from, no one writes down when you are born.  You just are.  So the day is not known.  At some point if a day is needed by someone, which was the case for her, one is given to her.  I asked her if she got to pick the day and she said that no, it was chosen for her.  So, I asked, did someone just look at you and decide you looked about a certain age and just give you a date and she said....yes, pretty much.   This is staying with me.  Initially it stuck with me in a sad way because noone made not

 Today's thoughts are about.....glitter.  I was wrapping gifts this morning.  Of all the things I needed to get done today, the one that was most time-sensitive and required privacy was the unboxing and wrapping of gifts.  I had purchased some really pretty paper along the way and took it out to wrap some gifts...and what was sparkly and pretty in the clear plastic wrap turned out to be....glitter.  The more I handled the paper the more glitter seemed to spread everywhere....generously.  And wouldn't you know that the first couple of boxes I tried to wrap didn't fit in the glitter wrapping paper?  It was really strange....it was 2 small sheets of paper that felt more like fabric than paper....so the over-handling of it made the glitter move even more.  There was glitter everywhere....on my hands, my clothes, my face, the table, the floor....my hair.....and as we all know you don't just wipe away glitter. Isn't glitter generous?  A little goes such a long way!  It ju

 December 15.  This morning I was driving to a meeting and thinking about generosity.  I had just finished filling my car with gas because it always seems to be empty these days as I travel around the county for work....and gas prices continue to go up so I am either filling my gas tank or paying the gas bill.  I remembered a time long ago, when I stood at a gas tank in California on a Sunday morning.  I was dressed for work and on my way to my job at a department store.  I needed gas to make it the rest of the way so I stopped but found out I didn't have any money to pay for the gas.  Back then, in the 1990s, you could pump your gas before you paid for it, even in southern California.  I was flustered, panicked and overwhelmed.  Someone noticed.  Someone generous noticed and paid for my gas.  I remembered telling him if he wrote down his name and number I would pay him back but he said no thanks, it was fine, he would just help me out.  Relief flooded over me.  In a cold sweat, I

 Our sermon for the third sunday of Advent was on generosity.  How fitting, in the Christmas season, that we take time to reflect upon the giving season, and the time of year when people share and extravagantly bless others.  The passage was 2 Corinthians 9:6-11(ish)  It goes something like this.....     Remember this:  Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.  Each man should give what he has decided in hhis heart to give, not relunctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.  And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.  As it is written; "He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor; his righteousness endures forever,''  Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.  You will be ma

 It is the end of November.  I am reflecting on this month as Adoption and Foster care awareness month.  It was first meaningful for me back in the early 90s when Roger and I were dating.  We were traveling to Chicago to spend Thanksgiving with his family and decided to stop at the Iowa capital in Des Moines for a stretch break.  Wouldn't ya know they had all kinds of posters up declaring November to be Adoption/Foster Care awareness month!  What?!  The whole state?!  Yep.  I'm pretty sure I leaned over and gave my hunky boyfriend a hug and whispered in his ear....."you know this is a sign, right?"  (Pretty sure the color drained from his face as, in his mind's eye, he saw the next 25 years flash before him....but guess what.....he didn't dump me now did he?!)     Actually....the story backs up farther.  I have a vivid memory of a family gathering when I was a child.  There were not many children around and the adults were talking in that way that lulls kids t

 John 14:1-4 says...."Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, trust also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you.  I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going."   This is the scripture that my step-mom Mary had in mind when my dad died early Sunday morning....it was a verse that he had shared with her when she lost her own father....and she remembered.  Jesus is speaking to his disciples here....trying to help them understand that he is leaving because he needs to go.  He is saying that there is room....room in the Father's house, in Heaven, for all of them....for all of us.  He went ahead to prepare the place for us....and promised to come back for us.   We went to see Buzz Friday night.  When we got ready to leave, he said "well I might mak

 We crossed the bridge over the ravine yesterday.  We were heavily laden with luggage and backpacks filled with things that linked to memories and moments and time and significance....and also just lots and lots of stuff.  18 months worth of stuff.  We didn't even get it all packed up because fear showed up and we had to move, move, move to get across that bridge fast.       As we were preparing to cross the bridge, we also picked up some butterflies we didn't expect.  They fluttered in with some vivid wings of presence....memories of specific things, feelings that were fresh and raw like anger and truth....and I could feel myself picking up my shield and buckler as we identified some threats and fiery arrows and tried to catch the butterflies, deflect the arrows and figure out which things were dangerous....I was franticly trying to feed the other kids in the middle of it all because that's what moms do...and asked Roger to please just pray.  Pray quick.He prayed out loud.

 If you were following along with the love story I wrote about in October, take the bookmark out of the page.  Read on. The love story progresses.  The journey to the happily ever after is frought with twists and turns and hills and valleys.  Two steps forward and three steps back as we navigate the trees and try to remember the forest they live in.  We keep moving forward even though at times it feels like we are simply jogging in place....this path to the happily ever after is full of pot holes and knarly roots that trip us up.  We are a bit scraped up and bruised and feeling tender in areas.....but we keep turning the pages.  The little boy is the hero of this story.  He has been acutely aware of every twist and turn and asked why and how and when and what if....and often why over and over and over....up the hills and down the valleys.  He sees the trees and has so many questions about them and why each one is placed in this forest....and he talks about God and how God designed it a

 Recently, I have used the phrase "leave and cleave" quite often.  When people ask what Claire and Jonah's plans are, I often say that they are moving wherever they find jobs and they will leave and cleave to oneanother. The idea of leaving and cleaving also pertains to our extra Kredit.  Cleave has 2 meanings.  One is to split or divide as by a cutting blow as one would cleave a log with an ax.  The second is to adhere closely; stick; to remain faithful (dictionary.com).  In a bible study book I am reading, she says "Cleaving is both a splitting apart and an attaching-paradoxical experiences poignantly represented by the journey of adoption."  The bible story referenece is from Ruth and Noami.  Ruth chose to leave her culture and embrace that of Naomi, and also to embrace living a life unto God.       XK is experiencing this cleaving.  Since he is just a little boy, its really hard because he understands that he is leaving what is familiar and safe and good and

 Every year I struggle with October and Halloween.  I love October.  I do not love Halloween.  I do not love the spiritual battle of dealing with zombies and ghosts and witches and devils that is elevated to an idea of fun and whimsy for this holiday.  I do not love the stress of finding constumes the kids are excited about and happy with.....nor do I wish to spend money on an outfit they will wear for less than 4 hours of their life.  I do not look forward to the battle over the candy and how much they can have each day....and then the trips to the dentist to get cavities filled for the next year.  Even with insurance, the dental bill is scarier than Halloween in our family.   But October. Warm afternoons, cool evenings, dark and quiet mornings.....the colors of fall absolutely burst wide open in Iowa in the fall....and this year has been exceptionally beautiful and it lingered on through the entire month.....every day was more amazing and breath-taking....every sunset over the harves

 I've been a witness to an incredible love story unfolding.  The story involves a little boy who is trapped in an impossible and tragic problem.  As the problem is revealed, everything gets pretty intense and complicated....and the plot thickens....there is tension with the characters and the cliff-hangers are intense.  I've been holding my breath for weeks and weeks, hanging on the edge of this cliff.   In this story, some of the characters practice a religion....and so they summon their prayer warriors to pray.  They storm the gates of Heaven and they slay the demons of hell in prayer....and they worship....and they sing.  Oh, do they sing.  The songs are praises to their God who can do all things through Christ who gives them strenth...and they press on...and their God moves.   As the pages of the story turn, new characters are introduced and there is a sneaky twist in the plot.  There is only a little bit of deception....or ommission....but the secrecy is powerful and fragr

      Recently I had a conversation with a friend.  We discussed the struggle and strife of this world and how to manage it.  My friend has had a particular struggle that has not lessoned or resolved for years.  She is weary.  She is crying out to Jesus for strength for today and brigh hope for tomorrow.  She asked me if I had any advice for na vigating her struggle.  I don't have advice.  All I have is to know the struggle and to know it matters.  I can hold space for her.  I can acknowledge that life can be hard.  I can listen to her and I can ache with her because the pain and struggle she is dealing with is aweful.  She and I remembered together, as we talked, that this world is not our home.  We are only here for a little bit.  We are unto something greater and more wonderful and we can stay the course, we can press on...we can do the work.  Jesus already declared a victory.  Jesus already defeated the enemy that works all frickin day long to steal and kill and destroy...and t

      Precious Maryn is in 6th grade.  This year her teachers organized a class-wide event that has not been done by our school before. It happened this past thursday and friday.   It involved a cook-out/sleep-over in tents/breakfast around campfire and then day of learning at a local park called Oak Grove.  The park is run by the county conservation board and has a river, camping spots, trails for hiking, a nature center and more.  I grew up going to Oak Grove park.  I've hiked the trails and enjoyed picnics and taken time alone for personal retreat there.....I love this place. When it came time to volunteer I missed all the sign-ups to chaperone, to provide supplies, to take a spot on night patrol, walking around the campsite for 2 hours to ensure safety.  I'm not good with spreadsheets....I usually miss the sign ups.  I did arrange to borrow a tent from the neighbors and agreed to come anyway and sleep out.  I told Precious I didn't need to come but she said she wanted m

 There is a term called compassion fatigue.  It points to feeling emptied out and dried up and overwhelmed by caring a lot about things for a long time.....It's almost as if the compassion expires, the caring gives out, the empathy runs dry.  One of the words often used to describe me has been compassionate.  I identify deeply with feelings of connection, love, hurting and longing to heal others.  It is why I am a nurse.  I care.  Beyond caring I find it unacceptable to know someone is suffering and not move to relieve, help, heal, hug, and work to a better option.  It's who I am.  It's how God wired me.....and it has been this way my whole life.       Recently, things have happened that poked big holes in my jar of compassion.  It wasn't just one hole with a slow leak....but over and over again, big holes pierced my jar and I could feel all the goodness pouring out and I was filling and filling and filling, running to the well, crying out for more and more to fill the

 I've had a word bouncing around in my head and heart since we have been on vacation.  Enrichment.  The dictionary defines it this way:  1.  the action of improving or enhancing the quality or value of something.  2.  the process of making someone wealthy or wealthier. It first came to my thoughts when we were getting ready to do a gold mining tour on our second vacation day in the Black Hills.  We had to put on these yellow hats to protect our heads and I wondered if it was just part of the tour experience....and was kind of silly....esp for the teenagers....but we did it anyway.  All 7 of us.  As we navigated the gold mine tour it became quite clear why we needed to wear the helmets.  the hall was narrow and shallow....and I got the giggles hearing everyone bump their heads as we progressed through the tunnel.  Enrichment. Maybe I have wondered why we bother to do a family vacation.  Claire and Jonah couldn't join us, and that made me sad.  Why didn't we try figure out a

 Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."       The other night Josiah came out of his bedroom in tears.  He had already been tucked in, prayed for and kissed good-night by his dad but he couldn't sleep and he was in a state of despair and frustration and tears.  He had heard noises that scared him outside of his bedroom. Doors opening and closing.  A wierd whistling sound....all of which were amplified by a basement bedroom and a child who often struggles with anxiety.   He knew the extra kredit was in meltdown mode and that was taking up a lot of time and energy late at night after a ballgame and we were all exhausted.       With big alligator tears rolling down his cheeks, Josiah stood in front of me and said, "can I have my roller ball for being scared? (we have some essential oil blends we use)....and mom....I've been trying to say I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.....over and over and over...

 It's not her birthday or even the anniversary of her death....but I'm thinking about my grandma.  This grandma was my mom's mom....and the one I connect the most with......she's been gone about 8 years now and it's crazy how often I think of her and remember specific things about her.  She was a great hugger.  She had a quiet laugh and an easy smile.  She never said anything bad about anyone.  She always smelled good.  She had a houseful of kids which gave her an easy hospitality that didn't fuss if things weren't perfect before guests came over.  She was a great cook and she had great style..... This week we had potato salad for 4th of July and it made me remember my Grandma Mouw.  Yesterday I was assembling a strawberry pie and was laughing inside because the first time I tried to make one I was already married and a practicing adult and I had to call her because nowhere in the recipe did it tell me how long to bake the pie.  She seriously doubled over la

 Tomorrow is Father's Day.  I have been thinking about the fathers in my life...my own dad, my step-dad, my dad-in-law....all men who I love and who I consider to be special...recently I have come to understand that aging is fragile and needs to be held with great regard.  I am now beginning to experience being the "sandwich generation" where we care for our parents and our children....which makes Father's Day even more significant.  I look to these three men and I am aware of how they have all molded and shaped me....their influence is significant.  I respond and live my life in ways that specifically relate to the relationship I have with each of them.  So Buzz, Ken, Rick....thank you for being my reason to know what Father's Day means.      I am also raising boys....who may become fathers one day....so I consider them and their strengths and weakness and what influence I can have on them now....before they are, in fact, fathers.  The weight of it is heavy becau

 1.  We answer to "mom" whether we are in the shower, on the phone, driving the car, sitting in church.....wherever we are. 2.  We leave work early and often to do phones calls and therapy appointments and family visits.  We miss a lot of work. 3.  We wonder every time there is a complaint of an ear ache or a bruise on the playground if we need to document, call, go to the ER. 4.  We sometimes champion for the bio parents and reunification and other times defend a kiddo who needs a voice and advocacy...and we wrestle with the loyalty and the crappy hand these kids get dealt.   5.  We ache and ask and hope and and wonder and dream about the perfect happily ever after for our foster kiddo. 6.  We gratefully accept gift cards and scholarships and all the helps to parent another parent's child.   7.  We are in awe of our play therapist and the knowledge and truth and advice they possess.  8.  We wonder why we thought it was ever a good idea to become foster mom. 9.  We thank

 One year ago today our extra Kredit got dropped off at our home.  One year ago today he stood on the driveway and cried with his bottom lip stuck out, his baseball cap turned backwards in baggy jeans and sneakers....a very scared and sad little boy who was being moved into the home of strangers.  I put my hands on my knees and leaned down to meet his gaze and said...."I know this is scary but I promise....I promise it will be ok."  I was naming it to tame it....I didn't believe a word of it either but it was the only thing that made sense to say.   We settled into a weird normal in the midst of a pandemic and we went day by day.....and here we are, 365 days later....still trying to do a weird normal and take it day by day. Foster care is this really strange space where I try to parent another parent's child, while that child sees the actual parents regularly....and calls both sets "mom and dad".  We need to live with hope and promise for best scenario and a

 Twas the night before the last day of the school year and all through the house was the crackle of excitement and expectation, some sadness and curiousity.....a giddy kind of sentiment that mixes relief with reflection....and a hopefulness that does not yet have words....except for one little extra Kredit.  This little kiddo has lots of words and his feelings don't quite match up with the other kids from his class, or the other kids in the neighborhood, or in our family.  His feelings are much more complex.   XK came home today and wanted to draw a picture for his teacher of the two of them....and write the words "Mrs. V"....and "from xxxxx" so that she would know that he sees himself with her, and that he knows that she taught him all of those letters and what they all sound like and what they all mean....and he was so so tired....from carrying the heaviness of getting ready to say another good-bye all day long....and managing all of his big feelings around th