Don't find joy if you don't want to

 I facilitate a parenting course called Circle of Security.  It's pretty amazing and I love walking parents through the 8 sessions and seeing how it unpacks all of the good things.  One of the sessions addresses babies and small kids having feelings and allowing them to have those feelings without pushing them to a feeling that we as caregivers are more comfortable with.  For example, baby is crying and sad about something and caregiver tries to cheer baby up and "fix it" with a toy or something....rather than just being with the baby while they are sad and being patient until the feeling passes.  

As a culture, we suck at this.  Myself included.  

When we force children to change their feeling before they are ready to move on, we basically tell them that what they feel is wrong and should change.....and force the feeling or emotion we expect to replace it. I can't prove it but I believe this is part of what is making our kids anxious and dysregulated.  It's just my hunch.  We want everyone to always feel happy because that makes sharing space with others easier.  It is hard to sit with others when they are feeling their own hard.  It just is.  

Tonight the neighborhood moms gathered in one of our yards as the kids played.  One mom noted that we are supposed to find joy in the little things as we were complaining about other little things.....because we know we should be grateful and find the good, the positive, the joy in the things.....but seriously....I think I will push against this a bit.  I am all for gratitude and for hunting deep for joy.  I want to find a balance, though.  I don't want to push gratitude and joy into a place that deserves a minute of it's own....a place of frustration and impatience and dissatisfaction.  I think we also deserve to feel all of these things.  I think we can have both/and if we just reflect a bit.

The first half of summer is so great.  We are happy to be done with school and have a relaxed routine.  We are excited for ball games and summer rec activities and vacations and sunshine and longer days.....and all of that is wonderful!  It happens over and over again.  Mid-summer hits....sometime after Fourth of July....and then everyone starts to feel crabby and bored and restless.  School supply lists come out and the shelves at Walmart and Target are full of notebooks and crayons and glue sticks.....and we get restless again.  We start to count down the weeks until school starts and fall schedules begin so that we can feel a sense of routine and rhythm.....our kids are now bored and whiney and ungrateful because vacation is done and ball is done and they want us to find them more excitement and socializing but we are tired and we are broke and we need to go to work to pay for everything we did in the first half of summer.....and the tension is real....and we feel guilty because we are supposed to be grateful and find the joy in the last half of summer with out kids when what we really want is to start school earlier than ever and get them out of the house.

And saying it out loud doesn't make it bad.  It makes it ok.  I don't have to push these feelings away and replace them with being happy and grateful and joyful.  I don't have to plan all kinds of fun things for my kids so that I feel proud of myself for being a good summer mom.  I can if I want to but no one is making me.....and I don't have to rush out of this feeling until I am ready.  I can be here a bit.  I don't have to be mean or unpleasant....but I am allowed to feel the bitterness and resentment of mid-summer.  And so are you.  

I may feel frustrated that there are 6 weeks of summer left and the kids are bored and whiney and resentful.  I don't have to fix it.  I really don't.  Neither do you.  If we come up with a great idea that would be fun here and there.....then lets do that.  Go to the 4H fair. Try the Vacation Bible School.  Stay up later and do the bonfire once in awhile but not so often that everyone is tired and crabby.  Be ok with not providing the epic summer experience and instead.....just maybe.....wake up 15 minutes earlier and enjoy a steamy cup of coffee before everyone wakes up.  Drive through the coffee shop and get the Iced coffee thingy....find a summer movie to take the family to and buy the buttery popcorn and huge over-priced soda and sit together and enjoy it.  

Buy all the produce from the farmer's market and invite folks over to share food.....pay attention to the skies and the stars and when the moon is full or not.....and just settle in a bit.  Gratitude may come or it may not.  Joy may do the same.....but know that our kids will notice how and when and why we do what we do even if it isn't all for them and it may just make the biggest impact ever. 

One of my little extra kredits found me folding laundry tonight.  She crawled up in my lap and heaved a heavy sigh.  She said she missed her mama and she just needed to be sad and miss them.  I didn't want to be sad with her.  I am mad at her mama....but I held her and I stroked her hair and I agreed with her that it is so so sad that a mama would leave and not come back.....and we rocked and we talked and we felt the hard hard yuck of it together.  I didn't push her to happy too soon.  I let her be sad because she deserves her sad.  I deserve my sad for her ....and we wish we could have happy but for tonight we have sad.  And it's ok.  

Don't find joy if you don't want to.