I'm goin' to a wedding......
I have a cousin getting married tomorrow. It's "adult only" so we had decided not to try figure out how to go but now Roger says if I want to go with my mom and aunties, he will hold down the fort. I think I'll go. I love my family. I enjoy them. I want to celebrate this event in my beautiful cousin , Amanda's, life.....
Tonight I am overwhelmed with insecurity and exhaustion. Everyone there will be beautiful. It's an urban event with glam and such......and lets face it. I don't have any of that. I could have if I had chosen a different road. I remind myself of that from time to time......I came to a fork in the road a couple decades ago......and I chose the road less-travelled. Because I chose THAT road......my fingernails are chipped and broken. My toe nails should have had a pedi repair a month ago but I didn't find the time or money. I'm middle-age overweight....and I have no wardrobe. Oh. And I need a haircut.
I pride myself in not suffering from the sin of pride....(go ahead and smile here. that was intended). I hate pride. I loathe it....and tonight I am the product of it. Pride says that even though I chose to live in a small town and put my kids through private Christian school and allow them to dance and do sports and music.......I should not have financial burdens to bear. Pride says that even though I wanted a large family and begged for all 5 of my children, I should still have time to take care of my appearance and be well-groomed and fit. It's pride. Pride says if I want to have 2 dogs I should be able to train them and keep them from tracking mud in the house and ruining my furniture. It's pride. It's not reality.
Reality is maybe something like this. Reality says, "pride and self-loathing......get out of here. there is not room for you! Her head is full of good things to do in the world and a longing to understand Jesus better and an overwhelming exhaustion because doing good for others costs a lot. She doesn't need to berate herself for not looking perfect. Perfect in this world is NOT the goal.....and being soft around the edges is better for little ones who need a hug. A clean house is wonderful but a house full of life, even when the stains and splinters don't clean up.......is still a home. Anyone can paint their nails. Anyone can get their hair styled.....but a real woman will show up to an event, just as is.....and hold her head high....and smile with the light of love in her eyes. She will hug the bride and dance with her uncle and toast the newlyweds.......and declare that a real life is good all on its own.
Tonight I am overwhelmed with insecurity and exhaustion. Everyone there will be beautiful. It's an urban event with glam and such......and lets face it. I don't have any of that. I could have if I had chosen a different road. I remind myself of that from time to time......I came to a fork in the road a couple decades ago......and I chose the road less-travelled. Because I chose THAT road......my fingernails are chipped and broken. My toe nails should have had a pedi repair a month ago but I didn't find the time or money. I'm middle-age overweight....and I have no wardrobe. Oh. And I need a haircut.
I pride myself in not suffering from the sin of pride....(go ahead and smile here. that was intended). I hate pride. I loathe it....and tonight I am the product of it. Pride says that even though I chose to live in a small town and put my kids through private Christian school and allow them to dance and do sports and music.......I should not have financial burdens to bear. Pride says that even though I wanted a large family and begged for all 5 of my children, I should still have time to take care of my appearance and be well-groomed and fit. It's pride. Pride says if I want to have 2 dogs I should be able to train them and keep them from tracking mud in the house and ruining my furniture. It's pride. It's not reality.
Reality is maybe something like this. Reality says, "pride and self-loathing......get out of here. there is not room for you! Her head is full of good things to do in the world and a longing to understand Jesus better and an overwhelming exhaustion because doing good for others costs a lot. She doesn't need to berate herself for not looking perfect. Perfect in this world is NOT the goal.....and being soft around the edges is better for little ones who need a hug. A clean house is wonderful but a house full of life, even when the stains and splinters don't clean up.......is still a home. Anyone can paint their nails. Anyone can get their hair styled.....but a real woman will show up to an event, just as is.....and hold her head high....and smile with the light of love in her eyes. She will hug the bride and dance with her uncle and toast the newlyweds.......and declare that a real life is good all on its own.
Oh sweet friend, how I love you! Raid your moms closet - she'll have something that will look fabulous on you. Fix your hair like you always do - because I think you have been looking radiant lately. And wear your glasses, because you look great in them and sophisticated and all that stuff. But be you. Be the you that has wise advice, and loving arms, and asks great questions. That's the Niki that they will all love seeing at the wedding. The one engaged in real life stuff with them. Love you friend. Dance like no one is watching!
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