praying for the seeds....
I do not want to know the mind of God.....or really, even the will of God. I just don't. It would be too hard. What God deals with every day is just too much for me. What I want......what I really, really want.....is a rock solid faith in the way of God. I want to trust that no matter what, He's got it covered. I know he does. I do....but some days, that faith is so quiet, more like a whisper than a shout. A mustard seed is small but some days I think my faith is smaller. Tonight, I'm contending for not the world, not millions of dollars or a mansion....but maybe just the faith of a mustard seed. Biblically, He promises that much.
Last year, on this night, was the last night on earth for Josiah's birth mom. I wonder what her last day, and last night involved. It is a mystery. No one knows. We talked frequently on the phone.....and last year at this time, she had gotten some really hard news but in our last conversation on the phone, she was hopeful. Gosh. I want to understand. I don't understand why we lost her. She chose us to be Josiah's family so its not about him. It's about her. I didn't want to lose her. She was wonderful, and funny, and broken, and hopeful. I'm so sad tonight, remembering her.
Tonight I am longing for that mustard seed of faith, that the Lord had his hand in this, and that His will was done. I need to have that little bit of promise.....because with that, I can put this day to bed and wake up tomorrow and live through the day she died. One year ago.
Josiah is so little....he will only know what we tell him. Dear Jesus, help me tell him that his first mama was beautiful and funny and passionate and intense....and that she loved him the best way she could. Help him to know that she lived the fullness of her days, even if it is hard to swallow that and accept that it is true....that you have numbered our days before we ever drew our first breath, and that far ahead of time, you know the sum of them.
Tonight is hard....and tomorrow will be hard too. Mustard seed of faith....please come.
Last year, on this night, was the last night on earth for Josiah's birth mom. I wonder what her last day, and last night involved. It is a mystery. No one knows. We talked frequently on the phone.....and last year at this time, she had gotten some really hard news but in our last conversation on the phone, she was hopeful. Gosh. I want to understand. I don't understand why we lost her. She chose us to be Josiah's family so its not about him. It's about her. I didn't want to lose her. She was wonderful, and funny, and broken, and hopeful. I'm so sad tonight, remembering her.
Tonight I am longing for that mustard seed of faith, that the Lord had his hand in this, and that His will was done. I need to have that little bit of promise.....because with that, I can put this day to bed and wake up tomorrow and live through the day she died. One year ago.
Josiah is so little....he will only know what we tell him. Dear Jesus, help me tell him that his first mama was beautiful and funny and passionate and intense....and that she loved him the best way she could. Help him to know that she lived the fullness of her days, even if it is hard to swallow that and accept that it is true....that you have numbered our days before we ever drew our first breath, and that far ahead of time, you know the sum of them.
Tonight is hard....and tomorrow will be hard too. Mustard seed of faith....please come.
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