circles

 Years ago, my oldest kiddo was struggling with some of her relationships.  Friends she thought were good and faithful fell short.  She felt unsafe and unprepared socially and so she and I sat down together after she had vented and cried and talked through all the things.  I drew a circle, then a bigger one around it and a third bigger circle around that one.  Together we came up with a list of people she could put in the most inner circle, defined as who she could trust no matter what.  It is a small circle for a reason.  Who can you say with certainty that you know will always put you first, care for you and come through for you?  Because she wasn't sure we talked about options and why they could be reliable.....God, mom, dad (and maybe nana Barb but I don't really remember.)  The second circle includes people we care about deeply who we know care for us...and why.  We discuss who they are and what qualities they posess to put them in circle 2.  Lastly we made a bigger list of circle 3.....friends, teachers, neighbors, cousins, anyone that matters but that we know we can not count on in a time of crisis, but people who we care about and who are part of our lives and want to keep in our lives.  

This little exercise helped us see that we should not put expectations on people in the third circle that are only defined in the first circle.  Let's not expect more of someone than they are qualified to provide....and by doing this we won't be disappointed when they don't fill a need there.  

I don't recall doing this exercise with Kredits 2 and 3....mainly because as boys they have a different perspective and didn't agonize the same way girls do in middle school maybe?  But here I am again, preparing to draw those 3 circles with Kredit 4 because we need some clear definitions.  

Because it is on my mind, I'm wondering.....who would we all put in the inner circle and why?  Who ranks in the next circle?  Who joins the ranks in the outer most circle and what puts them there?  

While I am on the topic, I'm also doing an ongoing assessment of what we can control vs. what we cannot control and how these 2 categories influence our thoughts, feelings, opinions and actions.  

I can control whether I sleep or choose to watch a program.

I can control whether I exercise or don't.

I can control what I put into my body, what I eat and drink and breathe.

I can control where I go and why I choose to go there.

I can control what I wear, what I listen to, what I watch, and what I plan for.

I cannot control what others think of me.

I cannot control what I see all the time, or what I hear, or what I think.  (but I can control how I respond to these)

I cannot control what causes me pain or grief or fear.

I cannot control what others do.

OK.  So we get the point, right?  Take some inventory if you dare....draw some circles.....and make a list or two.