adoption
It was lots of fun to post on the blog when we announced we were adopting, and to chronicle our adventure to Precious this way....and also to navigate the journey to Josiah via blog. Blogging has been a way for me to record and remember the process and growth and miracle of adoption. It is also where I record the hard things.....like losing Josiah's birth mom.....and not getting to adopt our little flower in India.....
Today was a hard day as an adoptive family. Precious woke up crabby and just negative and wrong. Everything was wrong. For no reason. She was whining and flailing and fretting about as we tried to get dressed for the day and I said something like, "what is wrong? you have a good life, hunny. You have friends and family and food and a bedroom and toys and school.....why are you so unhappy?"......looking back, I guess I set her up. I won't ask those questions again.
She began to cry and say she missed birth mom. She was sad she wasn't with her and sad that she didn't keep her and ....and it went on and on and on....and it wasn't manipulation. It wasn't a means to an end.....it was a child who just felt a longing deep inside of her....because even with a good life, something wasn't right. I pulled her onto my lap and I held her as she sobbed and we rocked and we both cried. I love Precious Maryn so, so much. It breaks my heart that she had to separate from her birth mom....that life and circumstance said they could not stay together. I cried for that today. Again. I cried for my daughter's loss and helplessly.....all I could do was cry and tell her how sorry I was.
We have about a dozen photos of her birth mom. That's it....from the week she was born when we met for lunch one afternoon. As Precious was sobbing she said, "I just wish I had a picture of her!"....and so I went to the folder where the photos were, and we looked at them together and talked about them. Precious chose one that had birth mom, baby Precious, Roger and I and she picked it up. I told her she could have that one with her and we could even put it in a frame in her room maybe.....but we had to be careful with them because this is all we had of her birthmom. She picked up that photo and the half of the photo that had her birth mom on it.....as she cried.....she rubbed that half on her face, on her cheek, trying to feel her. I held her and I cried and I cried and I am still crying for how much my daughter wants to just touch her birth mom again. Oh my heart breaks.....and breaks...and breaks. Adoption is so hard. We get to be Precious Maryn's family because her birth mom could not keep her....but my 5 year old can't comprehend that. All she knows is that there is a really big hole inside of her that this mama cannot fill.
Never think for a minute that adoption is popular or trendy.....it is very, very costly. It is painful. It heals a wound....but leaves a scar. My little girl will be ok. She knows how much I love her and that we would move heaven and earth for her.....but some things can't be fixed. Sensitive kids need sensitive parenting. This girl gives sensitive a new definition.....
Please, please, please respect and pray for and support mothers who choose to place children for adoption, families who say yes to adoption, and children who are adopted. We all need your help.
Today was a hard day as an adoptive family. Precious woke up crabby and just negative and wrong. Everything was wrong. For no reason. She was whining and flailing and fretting about as we tried to get dressed for the day and I said something like, "what is wrong? you have a good life, hunny. You have friends and family and food and a bedroom and toys and school.....why are you so unhappy?"......looking back, I guess I set her up. I won't ask those questions again.
She began to cry and say she missed birth mom. She was sad she wasn't with her and sad that she didn't keep her and ....and it went on and on and on....and it wasn't manipulation. It wasn't a means to an end.....it was a child who just felt a longing deep inside of her....because even with a good life, something wasn't right. I pulled her onto my lap and I held her as she sobbed and we rocked and we both cried. I love Precious Maryn so, so much. It breaks my heart that she had to separate from her birth mom....that life and circumstance said they could not stay together. I cried for that today. Again. I cried for my daughter's loss and helplessly.....all I could do was cry and tell her how sorry I was.
We have about a dozen photos of her birth mom. That's it....from the week she was born when we met for lunch one afternoon. As Precious was sobbing she said, "I just wish I had a picture of her!"....and so I went to the folder where the photos were, and we looked at them together and talked about them. Precious chose one that had birth mom, baby Precious, Roger and I and she picked it up. I told her she could have that one with her and we could even put it in a frame in her room maybe.....but we had to be careful with them because this is all we had of her birthmom. She picked up that photo and the half of the photo that had her birth mom on it.....as she cried.....she rubbed that half on her face, on her cheek, trying to feel her. I held her and I cried and I cried and I am still crying for how much my daughter wants to just touch her birth mom again. Oh my heart breaks.....and breaks...and breaks. Adoption is so hard. We get to be Precious Maryn's family because her birth mom could not keep her....but my 5 year old can't comprehend that. All she knows is that there is a really big hole inside of her that this mama cannot fill.
Never think for a minute that adoption is popular or trendy.....it is very, very costly. It is painful. It heals a wound....but leaves a scar. My little girl will be ok. She knows how much I love her and that we would move heaven and earth for her.....but some things can't be fixed. Sensitive kids need sensitive parenting. This girl gives sensitive a new definition.....
Please, please, please respect and pray for and support mothers who choose to place children for adoption, families who say yes to adoption, and children who are adopted. We all need your help.
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