Yes's in the bank
A few years (and tears) ago, we did some therapy with Precious. It involved the work of Karen Purvis and her Connected Child model, as well as TBRI......which stands for Trust Based Relational Therapy. Our therapist, Rachel Valentine, is a local expert in both who combines them beautifully. She works alot with adoptive families but her therapeutic work is also great for anyone who has a child that came from a "hard place" or any trauma in their past.
It was a few years ago.....so since then, I have made much of this work part of our daily life here, not just for Precious but for all the kids. I want to share one of our tools with you all, and maybe it will be helpful to someone else. Again, this came from research-based experts but this is the life-application/Niki Kredit version......as my disclaimer.
Yes vs. No.
Hard kids, kids who have hard behaviors, hear "no" alot. Whether directly or not, much of their day involves a "No" of some kind. The many "NO's" pile up to make them feel shot down, discouraged, frustrated. Conversely, hearing "yes" brings joy and approval and trust and freedom. Our kids need more Yes's in their bank. Sometimes, no can actually be yes if we as adults just take a moment and consider it, rephrase it, compromise it, postpone it.....yes is so much more useful than no.
Precious is in a season of everything being wrong this week....and this season can change with no warning to a season of helpful, pleasant, patient and easy Precious.....and then change back. We counted 10 days of pleasant before the dam broke and hard days started again.....and it is a struggle to give yes's when the days are hard and she is unhappy and has impossible demands and hurtful responses to everything and everyone......
A therapeutic intervention is putting "yes's" in her bank.....and it works. This morning was hard and as we worked through the fits and rages before school on Monday morning, we came up with 2 things that could connect us. 1. I would drive her to school. 2. I would buy her glitter for her homework project.
Now.
Someone of you may remember a post awhile back regarding glitter....and Precious.....well, I have not bought glitter since then. I drove her to school and held her hand and walked her to the door and waited with her for the doors to open.....with my wet hair and no makeup because its not about me......and then Roger and I went out of town for an appointment for Josiah and some shopping and I got Precious glitter.
Her assignment is to glue Tom the Turkey to orange paper and then decorate/hide him so that he cannot be found and served for Thanksgiving dinner. ok, ok......a bit silly, a bit morbid......and giving this child creative freedom is risky.
When she got off the bus we were barely in the door from our day in Sioux Falls and with big eyes, she looked up at me and said, "did you get me the glitter?" It was a yes. and Relief and ease washed over her tense little body. After dinner, we got out the picture of Tom the Turkey and got to work.....and may I just say that kindergarten in my school doesn't change much. This is my 4th of 5 Tom the Turkey crafts. (ugh)
Glitter mess ensued as I worked up dinner and got everyone set. Boys to sub-state football game with dad, Claire from violin to dance, Joe fed before he found more Halloween candy, Grace gets to nap til 6:30 so she's ok, pump the rain off the pool cover, oh and make Precious tavern meat because the chicken quiche has too much dairy for her. Glitter, glitter everywhere.....on her hands and in her hair, stuck in the groove of the dining room table, on the dog, in my sink......and Tom the Turkey is really, really colorful.
Precious is content. Her sensory needs are met, her yes's gave her a sense of well-being, and me? I've just got a bit more clean up to do but seriously......after I reminded her of all the yes's in her bank, she could give a few yes's herself, to her little brother, to me, to others in our home. Yes's are powerful.
Practice on someone soon.....keep track of giving more yes and less no for a day and watch the transformation happen.
It was a few years ago.....so since then, I have made much of this work part of our daily life here, not just for Precious but for all the kids. I want to share one of our tools with you all, and maybe it will be helpful to someone else. Again, this came from research-based experts but this is the life-application/Niki Kredit version......as my disclaimer.
Yes vs. No.
Hard kids, kids who have hard behaviors, hear "no" alot. Whether directly or not, much of their day involves a "No" of some kind. The many "NO's" pile up to make them feel shot down, discouraged, frustrated. Conversely, hearing "yes" brings joy and approval and trust and freedom. Our kids need more Yes's in their bank. Sometimes, no can actually be yes if we as adults just take a moment and consider it, rephrase it, compromise it, postpone it.....yes is so much more useful than no.
Precious is in a season of everything being wrong this week....and this season can change with no warning to a season of helpful, pleasant, patient and easy Precious.....and then change back. We counted 10 days of pleasant before the dam broke and hard days started again.....and it is a struggle to give yes's when the days are hard and she is unhappy and has impossible demands and hurtful responses to everything and everyone......
A therapeutic intervention is putting "yes's" in her bank.....and it works. This morning was hard and as we worked through the fits and rages before school on Monday morning, we came up with 2 things that could connect us. 1. I would drive her to school. 2. I would buy her glitter for her homework project.
Now.
Someone of you may remember a post awhile back regarding glitter....and Precious.....well, I have not bought glitter since then. I drove her to school and held her hand and walked her to the door and waited with her for the doors to open.....with my wet hair and no makeup because its not about me......and then Roger and I went out of town for an appointment for Josiah and some shopping and I got Precious glitter.
Her assignment is to glue Tom the Turkey to orange paper and then decorate/hide him so that he cannot be found and served for Thanksgiving dinner. ok, ok......a bit silly, a bit morbid......and giving this child creative freedom is risky.
When she got off the bus we were barely in the door from our day in Sioux Falls and with big eyes, she looked up at me and said, "did you get me the glitter?" It was a yes. and Relief and ease washed over her tense little body. After dinner, we got out the picture of Tom the Turkey and got to work.....and may I just say that kindergarten in my school doesn't change much. This is my 4th of 5 Tom the Turkey crafts. (ugh)
Glitter mess ensued as I worked up dinner and got everyone set. Boys to sub-state football game with dad, Claire from violin to dance, Joe fed before he found more Halloween candy, Grace gets to nap til 6:30 so she's ok, pump the rain off the pool cover, oh and make Precious tavern meat because the chicken quiche has too much dairy for her. Glitter, glitter everywhere.....on her hands and in her hair, stuck in the groove of the dining room table, on the dog, in my sink......and Tom the Turkey is really, really colorful.
Precious is content. Her sensory needs are met, her yes's gave her a sense of well-being, and me? I've just got a bit more clean up to do but seriously......after I reminded her of all the yes's in her bank, she could give a few yes's herself, to her little brother, to me, to others in our home. Yes's are powerful.
Practice on someone soon.....keep track of giving more yes and less no for a day and watch the transformation happen.
Niki, this is what I needed to read. Thank you for sharing what works for you and your family. We learn from each other, which I believe is how God intended us to do things.
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ReplyDeleteabsolutely, Kelli!
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