fragile

I started today not rested.  A busy dance weekend, and away from home made me feel unsettled and scattered.....and tired.  Violetta was coming to clean today so I spent my first hours home last night trying to clean up so that she could clean.  I actually worked up a sweat,trying to pick up all the piles and shoes and laundry and toys and dog debris.....a then I went to bed.  Today, we started late.  I slept too long.  Grace doesn't have an alarm clock.  Precious had the "monday blues" and Josiah slept in because he was awake way too long last night.  

I had a meeting today and it was....well....aweful.  Hard stories came out about people I care about.  I was blindsided and emotional and mad and sad.  I was overwhelmed.....and it wasn't yet noon on monday.  I decided that for today, I was too fragile for the world.  I went home.  My house was clean and fresh and orderly......and it felt like a psalm when I entered into it.  It was peaceful.  It was welcoming.  It was familiar.  At noon, on monday.  It understood I was feeling fragile.  

Roger and I had lunch together......and I remembered that even when the yuck of the world hits home.....it isn't in my home.  I was grateful and aware of my good husband, my safe home, my stable job, my children.....after lunch I called my boss and unloaded on her so that I would not breach confidentiality....and she told me to take care of myself.  And so I did.  My fragile self.  I lit some candles and got a big glass of ice water.  I put on some worship music.....and then I tipped over my water all over the coffee table....and had to clean it up.  I went to the store for food for supper.  I had decided to make a roast and baked potatoes and gravy, and rolls, and beans.....comfort food.  Somehow I felt that blessing my family with a hearty dinner would make them feel......blessed.  and safe.  Unlike the children in the stories I heard today.....

I made cookies when the kids got home.....I wanted them to walk in and smell wonderful, welcoming smells.....and feel good....and not fragile.  When they came home they laughed and were rowdy and playful and ate cookies and played some more and talked about their day.....and friends came and went....and eventually we ate dinner and everyone gobbled it up....and no one said "thank you" or recognized that it was born of a fragile day for this mama.  I made a fruit cobbler and shared with a neighbor and didn't tell her that I made it because I wanted my house to smell wonderful after the stench of my morning.....and maybe her family loved it and maybe they didn't......Roger and Grace at the cobbler here and I think they liked it.....but noone really said.

Baths were done, homework was done, dishes were done.  Eventually, I felt less fragile.  Even now, Precious is beside me in bed, chattering about her day.  Josiah is snoring between my legs because they both want to touch me.....all night long.  I have a lavender candle burning and I'm sort of watching The Voice......and we don't do nighttime parenting the proper way.....with books in a dark room and one attentive parent.....when we are feeling fragile....we just settle in and love more and hold each other and keep taking breaths.....until today becomes tomorrow.