last day of school

 Twas the night before the last day of the school year and all through the house was the crackle of excitement and expectation, some sadness and curiousity.....a giddy kind of sentiment that mixes relief with reflection....and a hopefulness that does not yet have words....except for one little extra Kredit.  This little kiddo has lots of words and his feelings don't quite match up with the other kids from his class, or the other kids in the neighborhood, or in our family.  His feelings are much more complex.  

XK came home today and wanted to draw a picture for his teacher of the two of them....and write the words "Mrs. V"....and "from xxxxx" so that she would know that he sees himself with her, and that he knows that she taught him all of those letters and what they all sound like and what they all mean....and he was so so tired....from carrying the heaviness of getting ready to say another good-bye all day long....and managing all of his big feelings around that.  He had a stomach ache and worried he would throw up....and I think he was worried about throwing up all of those really important feelings and thoughts and memories of the incredible year he had learning at school.  

I am so proud of this kid.  He drives me absolutely crazy 85% of the day....and the 15% I have left leave me speechless and overwhelmed by how strong and smart and resilient and brave he is.  I want to be more like him when I grow up.  He started the year like a baby rogue elephant completely unharnassed, untethered and unaware.....and every day he showed up and got on that noisy, bouncy, mask-requiring bus and navigated all of the chaos to get to school.....and when he got to his classroom he quickly learned all of the rules and routines and joys and challenges and this kid worked his little butt off....and never stayed home for a sick day...and felt sad every time he had to get pulled from his class to do therapy or a visit or an appointment....he found community with kids his own age for the first time ever....and he made friends.  He learned to love and respect the authority of his teacher and the other professionals at school who unlocked an amazing gift of learning in him....and he is forever changed.  

I don't know what his future holds and he is asking me about every hour who his teacher will be next year and I can't tell him because I don't know if he will be here or somewhere else....so instead I took him to bed and read him 2 books instead of 1 and prayed a really important prayer out loud with him in his bedroom to know that I understand how important tomorrow is and how much Jesus loves him and will guide his every tomorrow.....and sat in the room for 4 worship songs instead of 2.....and now I'm just out here at the kitchen table writing and weeping.....

Usually I am less than ready for the kids to come home at the end of the school year because it means a really stressful transition in our family life....but I am going to purpose myself this year to be more ready than usual because XK needs me to be.