Mother's Day Holiday....part 2
Birth mom day.
Some of us in adoption world recognize the Saturday before Mother's Day as birth mom day. We create little rituals that help keep memories alive and honor birth moms. With Precious and Josiah, I try to make sure we are talking about birth moms as often as they want to. The Saturday before Mother's Day we plant a flower in their honor.
As the kids get older, this ritual is getting harder. It brings up sadness for the kids and sometimes they say they miss their birth mom (even if they don't have actual memories of her) and they do. I know they do. They miss the idea that their mom is their only mom. They miss knowing the mom who created them and gave them life. They resent me because I am the mom they have now and not their original mom. (side note....please don't call birth moms "real moms" because what does that make adoptive moms? fake? I'm about as real as it gets folks.)
This morning I asked if they wanted to go buy some flowers and a pot to honor each of their birth moms for Mother's Day. They were both a bit snarky this morning and tired. I hoped it would be a fun and healing activity that we could do together. It didn't take long for one of my sweet children to start to cry and miss birth mom, to wish and to long for a life with her......and even though this is important to do it is also very hard for me. Very hard. I tried to be empathetic and that didn't work. I tried connected child principles and trauma-based relational interventions and that didn't work either. Finally I said, "you guys, if this isn't fun for you and healing for you and a good experience we can just go home. I don't need to take you to do this if it just makes you sad. I only want to do it if you want to do it...and if it doesn't feel like a good idea lets just turn around." They wanted to do it.
We got to the flower store which was packed because H_E_L_L_O! It's the day before Mother's Day! The kids made their choices and then started to whine and ask for gumballs.....and their own garden gloves and watering cans because apparently those are not things 2 school age kids will share. Sigh.
We came home with 2 pretty pots, a flat of flowers and a packet of sunflower seeds. Precious decided she wanted to plant sunflower seeds that could grow very tall....just like her birth mom. Josiah chose some flowers that were blooming because they were so beautiful. Her gloves and watering can are pink and his are green. (Both of their gumballs were blue thank goodness). We all took a break from the painful conversation about birth moms and then a few hours later we all went out and planted. I bought a new little glass table for the front landing and the pots are on it, in case you drive by and notice. They are cheerful and lovely and I am very proud of my children for their efforts.
Birth mom day stirs up many feelings for me. I am grateful that both of these moms chose life for their babies and not abortion. I am grateful that at whatever point they decided that they should choose a different family to raise their child, they chose us. I am so grateful that I get to be their mom. I take this job more seriously that even raising my bio children because something very important was entrusted to me. It matters that I get it right. With God's help, I hope I can make both of the birth moms proud.
Adoption is a part of Mother's Day that carries unique feelings. We adoptive mothers need each other and we need the village of supportive family and friends too. Most importantly we need to build memories and love and security and hope in our children. Father God, help us in this great work we are called to do as mothers.
Some of us in adoption world recognize the Saturday before Mother's Day as birth mom day. We create little rituals that help keep memories alive and honor birth moms. With Precious and Josiah, I try to make sure we are talking about birth moms as often as they want to. The Saturday before Mother's Day we plant a flower in their honor.
As the kids get older, this ritual is getting harder. It brings up sadness for the kids and sometimes they say they miss their birth mom (even if they don't have actual memories of her) and they do. I know they do. They miss the idea that their mom is their only mom. They miss knowing the mom who created them and gave them life. They resent me because I am the mom they have now and not their original mom. (side note....please don't call birth moms "real moms" because what does that make adoptive moms? fake? I'm about as real as it gets folks.)
This morning I asked if they wanted to go buy some flowers and a pot to honor each of their birth moms for Mother's Day. They were both a bit snarky this morning and tired. I hoped it would be a fun and healing activity that we could do together. It didn't take long for one of my sweet children to start to cry and miss birth mom, to wish and to long for a life with her......and even though this is important to do it is also very hard for me. Very hard. I tried to be empathetic and that didn't work. I tried connected child principles and trauma-based relational interventions and that didn't work either. Finally I said, "you guys, if this isn't fun for you and healing for you and a good experience we can just go home. I don't need to take you to do this if it just makes you sad. I only want to do it if you want to do it...and if it doesn't feel like a good idea lets just turn around." They wanted to do it.
We got to the flower store which was packed because H_E_L_L_O! It's the day before Mother's Day! The kids made their choices and then started to whine and ask for gumballs.....and their own garden gloves and watering cans because apparently those are not things 2 school age kids will share. Sigh.
We came home with 2 pretty pots, a flat of flowers and a packet of sunflower seeds. Precious decided she wanted to plant sunflower seeds that could grow very tall....just like her birth mom. Josiah chose some flowers that were blooming because they were so beautiful. Her gloves and watering can are pink and his are green. (Both of their gumballs were blue thank goodness). We all took a break from the painful conversation about birth moms and then a few hours later we all went out and planted. I bought a new little glass table for the front landing and the pots are on it, in case you drive by and notice. They are cheerful and lovely and I am very proud of my children for their efforts.
Birth mom day stirs up many feelings for me. I am grateful that both of these moms chose life for their babies and not abortion. I am grateful that at whatever point they decided that they should choose a different family to raise their child, they chose us. I am so grateful that I get to be their mom. I take this job more seriously that even raising my bio children because something very important was entrusted to me. It matters that I get it right. With God's help, I hope I can make both of the birth moms proud.
Adoption is a part of Mother's Day that carries unique feelings. We adoptive mothers need each other and we need the village of supportive family and friends too. Most importantly we need to build memories and love and security and hope in our children. Father God, help us in this great work we are called to do as mothers.
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