a melancholy definition
Tonight, a bit of melancholy snuck in. It's mid-week and I'm trying hard to get my work done for work....and still unpack the camper.....and tend to the kids...and drive boys to football camp, and get all the schedules ready for the school year. I'm daily doing laundry and buying food to replenish the fridge and cupboards.....and trying to walk the dogs and be loving and attentive.......
At dinner time I kinda exploded in a tantrum. The kind where you are pulling your hair and saying bad words cuz noone can get the password to work for netflix on the Ipads.....and difficult children are having meltdowns.....and dad is in Kentucky......and vacation is over.
I started working on cleaning my bedroom because both littles crashed (fun times in a few hours) and Isaac and Jeremiah promised that they had no recollection of my cursing or my tantrum....and Claire was at work. As I was picking up, dusting, etc. in my bedroom I saw the little wooden box that I purchased when Roger and I were in the Netherlands. It was in a second hand store and it was just simple and lovely and I wanted it. I decided on that trip that I should collect wooden boxes when I travelled. I did find a few over the years......but here is where reflective sadness, dressed up as melancholy, enters.
It never even dawned on me to find a wooden box souvenir on this mega-vacation-trip of a lifetime.....of all the gift shops and convenience stores and tourist centers we visited.....I never once looked for a wooden box. Tonight.....that makes me sad. 19 years ago, there was a very real and strong sense of who I was....and that person liked wooden boxes. Now, I'm mostly just wife and mom who is trying to please everyone and keep things going.......and somewhere along the way I lost a piece of me. The piece that would have been on the look-out for a wooden box to take home and remember this trip.
This post, this revelation does NOT require a phone call or a casserole or a follow up. It just is.....me. Expressing myself....and how things change as a girl becomes a woman who becomes a wife and a mama......and very little of it is about her after awhile. If you ever wondered what melancholy meant.....maybe my post will help you understand.
At dinner time I kinda exploded in a tantrum. The kind where you are pulling your hair and saying bad words cuz noone can get the password to work for netflix on the Ipads.....and difficult children are having meltdowns.....and dad is in Kentucky......and vacation is over.
I started working on cleaning my bedroom because both littles crashed (fun times in a few hours) and Isaac and Jeremiah promised that they had no recollection of my cursing or my tantrum....and Claire was at work. As I was picking up, dusting, etc. in my bedroom I saw the little wooden box that I purchased when Roger and I were in the Netherlands. It was in a second hand store and it was just simple and lovely and I wanted it. I decided on that trip that I should collect wooden boxes when I travelled. I did find a few over the years......but here is where reflective sadness, dressed up as melancholy, enters.
It never even dawned on me to find a wooden box souvenir on this mega-vacation-trip of a lifetime.....of all the gift shops and convenience stores and tourist centers we visited.....I never once looked for a wooden box. Tonight.....that makes me sad. 19 years ago, there was a very real and strong sense of who I was....and that person liked wooden boxes. Now, I'm mostly just wife and mom who is trying to please everyone and keep things going.......and somewhere along the way I lost a piece of me. The piece that would have been on the look-out for a wooden box to take home and remember this trip.
This post, this revelation does NOT require a phone call or a casserole or a follow up. It just is.....me. Expressing myself....and how things change as a girl becomes a woman who becomes a wife and a mama......and very little of it is about her after awhile. If you ever wondered what melancholy meant.....maybe my post will help you understand.
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