A mom fail and a possible first in a Father's Day series...

 Last weekend I let the kids know I would be going out of town for a conference in Des Moines for a couple of days this week.  I was invited to attend a conference by a colleague who not only plans this conference each year on caring for kids with trauma, but who also offered me a scholarship to attend.  It was an offer I couldn't pass up.  Jeremiah took it in stride because, well, he is 18 and is mostly independent.  He also remembers that mom does this.  Precious and Josiah don't remember.  I haven't done work conferences in person since pre-pandemic....nor have I travelled anywhere away from my home or family for business  for several years.  They had concerns.  Roger's work has been very intense for the past several years and he has not been around and available less and I have been around and available more.  Recently, that has shifted a bit as I have increased to full-time work and the kids are old enough to not need so much direct care.  We are in a season of change.  

I was nervous to leave because I am the keeper of the schedule.  I know when everyone needs to be places.  I also transport extras for various reasons that are complicated and I make that work.  I refill prescriptions.  I do the shopping.  I make the meals.  I do the laundry for the most part and make sure ball jerseys are ready for game day, etc.  I know how much time Josiah can handle being home alone before he gets anxious.  I know what foods he can prepare for himself and how long that would hold him over before he would need something more sustaining.....you get the point.  The kids were nervous because they also know all those same things....and mom was leaving Monday afternoon until Wednesday night and dad was in charge.  Nana Barb was on back-up.  Precious and I went shopping Sunday afternoon after we returned from state soccer saturday night and made sure she had the things she needed for the next few days to eat and to do....I communicated with the softball people, with Roger, with Nana....

It's good to provide the structure and routine and stability for family.  It promotes security which allows our people to bloom and grow.  It is also ok to challenge it once in awhile and make some lists and arrange for back up and just go.  

I did my work day monday, I went to Precious' softball game, I dropped her off at a friend to get her hair braided, I stopped home to grab my stuff and I headed out.  I got to Des Moines in the evening and stayed with my sis in law because it saves my company money and also I like them.  I got a text.  Precious' softball bag stayed in the trunk.  She has a game tomorrow.  Oh.  Boy.  Frickin' What the Heck of it all??????  and yes....my 12 year old child who needs structure and works hard to manage lots of things was in full meltdown mode and refusing to go to the tuesday game.  Her stuff was in my car.  All her stuff.  All of the planning and list-making and up at night worrying and fretting, all of the calling and arranging and shopping and arranging I did so that things could run smoothly while I was gone for a couple of days....and I drove away with her softball gear in the trunk of my FREAKING CAR!!!!!  Why?  well.  I will tell you why. Because I have not done softball before.  ever.  softball is new.  I didn't think about the softball stuff and that she would need it for the next day.  I was thinking about the 500 other things she would need and Josiah would need and Roger and Jeremiah would need.....

I begged her to just make due and go to the game over a text message because she was railing at me over a messenger app so I knew she was in bad shape.  She said no.  She wasn't going.  She was mad.  She wasn't wrong.  I had all her stuff.  I texted Roger and her coach and explained and claimed full responsibility and said she is mad and frustrated and doesn't want to play in the morning without her stuff.  Coach said "it's fine!  we can find her some gear....tell her to come anyway!"  Dad said " let me work on her and I will get back to you in the morning".  I trust my husband.  I love my husband.  I have watched him time and time again out-parent me.  Best scenario would be he convinced Precious to play the game without her gear.  Worst scenario she refused, stayed mad at me awhile and life moved on.  Either way he would not hurt her feelings or shame her or blame me or shame me...because he is a good, good man.  I went to bed Monday night and left it alone.  I woke up Tuesday morning and went to my conference and did not micro-manage my family.

Late Tuesday morning I was sitting in my spot, savoring fresh knowledge, and got a picture and a text.  Precious was up to bat.  He got her there.  It took some work and cost us a new pair of "sliding shorts" from walmart $22 (what the heck are sliding shorts?) and I think he maybe didn't get much work done while he hunted in our storage bins for soccer shoes that looked close enough to softball shoes and found another glove, etc. and talked and talked to her and likely bribed her with too much fast food (my idea, I admit that much).  I got tearful and couldn't decide if I was more proud of her or of him.  

For a brief moment I remembered the day we met Precious' birth mom.  We had lunch together before we left North Carolina.  She was really impressed because Roger got up to go change a dirty diaper and she said she had never seen a grown man do that before.  It made her happy to know that the family she picked for her baby had a daddy who would change diapers.  I just wonder how proud she would be if she could know what Precious' daddy did for her this week.