her mid-week meltdown.
Tonight we had to put the pieces of Precious back together so that she could go to sleep. She went from a school day to day care for a couple hours to mid-week church and she kept it together all day. From the moment the door closed though, she was falling apart piece by piece.
After a very long work day for both Roger and I, we didn't have the emotional arsenal for mid-week meltdown.....but here it was. Roger worked with her for awhile but nothing soothed her. She was distraught, emotional, angry. I sent him out to the hot tub with Josiah who was jumping around like a crazy guy and driving everyone nuts.
I dragged Precious off the floor to the dining room. I warmed up a heated bean bag that fits warmly around the neck and shoulders. I wrapped her up in a fluffy blanket. I held her close. She was weeping and wailing, over school papers. Timed math facts. Some hideous exercise whereby the child has to do as many problems as they can in one minute....timed.....math. This child suffers from anxiety anyway. She has her entire life. Put a page of math problems in front of her, and sit her in the middle of a class and set a timer for one minute and say "go" and what should be a healthy challenge in accuracy and efficiency turns into a massive panic attack for my daughter. One she cannot even allow to erupt. So she holds it in.
Why? Why timed math facts? Why first grade? Why age 7? She is just starting to read and she is reading really well! Now she feels like a failure again because the pressure of that damn timer is killing her thought process as well as her confidence. Life is hard enough without timed math facts, folks. I cannot complain or beg the teacher for leniency. I can't. This is first grade, after all. Harder days are coming. For the first time ever I am wondering if I should consider home schooling her......
If I did home school, I would always bail her out. I would always yield to her emotions and her weakness. I don't want her growing up feeling as if her emotion and weakness rules her life. She is too wonderful to sell her short of her potential.....but I really, really want to swoop in and rescue her and make it ok. Even in first grade math. I will not. I will trust the process and I will trust her teacher and her school which I love. I desperately want them to know how hard life is for Precious....but if I do, and if they agree and own that.....they will never push her harder.
It is their job to push. It is my job to be here at the end of the day to pick up the pieces. It is her job to know the difference. After the heating pad and the warm blanket and the listening, I made sure she could sit quiet and listen and hear me.....more regulated and in control. I reminded her that when she first tried to ride her bike she couldn't do it and she was frustrated and scared. She had to practice. Math facts always take practice and if she works at it she will get better because she has a very, very smart brain. Her brain can do things that her emotions don't know about. I told her that we love her and will help her practice and learn and be successful. I told her that we would also help her with her feelings and her fears. I told her that after a hard day, it feels like the pieces are all falling apart and that in a family, we care about putting those pieces back together again before we go to sleep. Tomorrow we will start again as a whole, all put back together.
We decided on a snack of apple slices with peanut butter and some orange juice. She asked if I would sit with her on the couch and snuggle and read a book while she ate her snack. She found her pink blanket and I turned away from the chores that should get done. We snuggled in on the couch and watched the presidential debates together while she had her snack. She said, "they are making fools of themselves" and I agreed. Later she said, "they are not showing love" and I agreed.
This child is worth so much more than her timed score on her math facts. She is a treasure in heaven and should be treated as such. I respect her immensely. She is smart. She is deep. She is worthy. Again and again, she will come home from her very hard day and the pieces of her will fall apart as she walks in.....and I will continue to learn how to put them back together again because I promised her I always would do that very thing.
The debate circus has ended. She is sleeping on the couch and when she wakes up in the night she will find her way to me in bed and I will snuggle her in with acceptance to finish her sleep. I hope. I hope I don't growl at her because I am exhausted and completely empty of empathy......lets hope God can do a quick re-fill of that tonight.
After a very long work day for both Roger and I, we didn't have the emotional arsenal for mid-week meltdown.....but here it was. Roger worked with her for awhile but nothing soothed her. She was distraught, emotional, angry. I sent him out to the hot tub with Josiah who was jumping around like a crazy guy and driving everyone nuts.
I dragged Precious off the floor to the dining room. I warmed up a heated bean bag that fits warmly around the neck and shoulders. I wrapped her up in a fluffy blanket. I held her close. She was weeping and wailing, over school papers. Timed math facts. Some hideous exercise whereby the child has to do as many problems as they can in one minute....timed.....math. This child suffers from anxiety anyway. She has her entire life. Put a page of math problems in front of her, and sit her in the middle of a class and set a timer for one minute and say "go" and what should be a healthy challenge in accuracy and efficiency turns into a massive panic attack for my daughter. One she cannot even allow to erupt. So she holds it in.
Why? Why timed math facts? Why first grade? Why age 7? She is just starting to read and she is reading really well! Now she feels like a failure again because the pressure of that damn timer is killing her thought process as well as her confidence. Life is hard enough without timed math facts, folks. I cannot complain or beg the teacher for leniency. I can't. This is first grade, after all. Harder days are coming. For the first time ever I am wondering if I should consider home schooling her......
If I did home school, I would always bail her out. I would always yield to her emotions and her weakness. I don't want her growing up feeling as if her emotion and weakness rules her life. She is too wonderful to sell her short of her potential.....but I really, really want to swoop in and rescue her and make it ok. Even in first grade math. I will not. I will trust the process and I will trust her teacher and her school which I love. I desperately want them to know how hard life is for Precious....but if I do, and if they agree and own that.....they will never push her harder.
It is their job to push. It is my job to be here at the end of the day to pick up the pieces. It is her job to know the difference. After the heating pad and the warm blanket and the listening, I made sure she could sit quiet and listen and hear me.....more regulated and in control. I reminded her that when she first tried to ride her bike she couldn't do it and she was frustrated and scared. She had to practice. Math facts always take practice and if she works at it she will get better because she has a very, very smart brain. Her brain can do things that her emotions don't know about. I told her that we love her and will help her practice and learn and be successful. I told her that we would also help her with her feelings and her fears. I told her that after a hard day, it feels like the pieces are all falling apart and that in a family, we care about putting those pieces back together again before we go to sleep. Tomorrow we will start again as a whole, all put back together.
We decided on a snack of apple slices with peanut butter and some orange juice. She asked if I would sit with her on the couch and snuggle and read a book while she ate her snack. She found her pink blanket and I turned away from the chores that should get done. We snuggled in on the couch and watched the presidential debates together while she had her snack. She said, "they are making fools of themselves" and I agreed. Later she said, "they are not showing love" and I agreed.
This child is worth so much more than her timed score on her math facts. She is a treasure in heaven and should be treated as such. I respect her immensely. She is smart. She is deep. She is worthy. Again and again, she will come home from her very hard day and the pieces of her will fall apart as she walks in.....and I will continue to learn how to put them back together again because I promised her I always would do that very thing.
The debate circus has ended. She is sleeping on the couch and when she wakes up in the night she will find her way to me in bed and I will snuggle her in with acceptance to finish her sleep. I hope. I hope I don't growl at her because I am exhausted and completely empty of empathy......lets hope God can do a quick re-fill of that tonight.
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