say "yes"
The conference I attended a week ago, entitled :Empowered to Connect, by ShowHope, continues to speak to me. It was 2 full days and I missed soccer and Roger had to pull more than his fair share but it was so worth it. I want to redo it again, and again because there is just so much good info there! (I think it was actually 2 weeks ago, but whatever.)
Here's my musings for today, with reference to the Hope Connection work of Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross and gobs and gobs of research and clinical hours.....and my endorsement.
Saying "Yes" puts trust in the bank. It does. Fear and pain, whether internal or external, drive maladaptive (negative) behavior. The yeses change that. When you say "yes" to a child who is struggling, it causes something magical called "felt safety". Children feel safe when they get a "yes". Don't we all, really? A man proposes to the woman he loves....if she says "yes" relief and joy flood his soul. If she says "no" there is fear and shame and guilt......and these kids that some of us know.....just One.....No.....can leave them feeling like the boyfriend who is on his knee, proposing marriage with a ring in hand......as the love of his life turns away.
It's true.
Saying "yes" more often builds trust and positive connection with a child who is difficult. We grown ups need to learn to let it go, and chill out a bit.....we don't always have to have our way, just because. We don 't have to be in control every minute of the day. No may be easier, but often, Yes is better. Please give it a try. Challenge yourself to a day of "yes" with someone you love, someone you live with, someone you struggle with......and watch them transform right before your eyes.
"yes, you may have a snack" (its not gonna kill a child to have his appetite "ruined" before dinner sometimes
"Yes, we can stop at McDonalds for french fries! (seriously.....for less than $2.00 you can avoid a tantrum? seriously?)......and build felt safety.......and put trust in the bank. A child who feels right acts right. All the time.
"yes, we can call Grandma"
"Yes, we can color a picture before bed"
"yes, you can skip reading tonight and just go to sleep"
etc.
Try saying yes more often. The cost is not nearly as high as the no can be.
Don't we all want to feel trusting.....and safe?
Here's my musings for today, with reference to the Hope Connection work of Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross and gobs and gobs of research and clinical hours.....and my endorsement.
Saying "Yes" puts trust in the bank. It does. Fear and pain, whether internal or external, drive maladaptive (negative) behavior. The yeses change that. When you say "yes" to a child who is struggling, it causes something magical called "felt safety". Children feel safe when they get a "yes". Don't we all, really? A man proposes to the woman he loves....if she says "yes" relief and joy flood his soul. If she says "no" there is fear and shame and guilt......and these kids that some of us know.....just One.....No.....can leave them feeling like the boyfriend who is on his knee, proposing marriage with a ring in hand......as the love of his life turns away.
It's true.
Saying "yes" more often builds trust and positive connection with a child who is difficult. We grown ups need to learn to let it go, and chill out a bit.....we don't always have to have our way, just because. We don 't have to be in control every minute of the day. No may be easier, but often, Yes is better. Please give it a try. Challenge yourself to a day of "yes" with someone you love, someone you live with, someone you struggle with......and watch them transform right before your eyes.
"yes, you may have a snack" (its not gonna kill a child to have his appetite "ruined" before dinner sometimes
"Yes, we can stop at McDonalds for french fries! (seriously.....for less than $2.00 you can avoid a tantrum? seriously?)......and build felt safety.......and put trust in the bank. A child who feels right acts right. All the time.
"yes, we can call Grandma"
"Yes, we can color a picture before bed"
"yes, you can skip reading tonight and just go to sleep"
etc.
Try saying yes more often. The cost is not nearly as high as the no can be.
Don't we all want to feel trusting.....and safe?
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