on parenting....
Parenting. No one is really, actually prepared for it. We try to be. We read books, we buy stuff, we talk to other parents....we do the childbirth classes and we research breastfeeding tips and tricks....this is my world, its what I do with new families each and every day. I help them problem-solve through pregnancy, lactation, baby-proofing, potty training, discipline, school readiness......we discuss attachment and trauma-informed care with adoption and other scenarios.....
We can only prepare for a fraction of what will actually happen as we parent.
Maybe your kid will throw a fit in public and you will be helpless to fix it. Maybe someone else will step in and do a better thing than you know how to do......
Maybe your kid will go out and do something independent and wonderful and you can't know if they are being good or bad.....
Maybe your kid will be exposed to something horrible that you didn't get a chance to prepare them for.....and they will have to process BIG feelings without you. No way to prepare for that.
Recently Precious was exposed to that aweful piece of American history where the KKK lynched and killed black people I hadn't had a chance to cover that thus far. We have talked a lot about black slavery in the early American history and we have talked about Rosa Parks......but we hadn't covered KKK and lynching. She saw a random program about it and I wasn't there. It woke up big, big feelings in her that she didn't know what to do with. When she and I finally connected at the end of a very, very long day, there were more big feelings than facts to sift through.
Because I am Christian and because I know Jesus, I could call a Hail Mary parenting play and tell her that we would look into this more together and we would study this part of history together, but for now, she needed to know that this part of history and this event was from satan. Satan authored this racial hate and slaughtering of human beings. Satan orchestrated it and everyone involved was likely burning in Hell. Precious is a covenant child, loved and redeemed by God himself and I could tell her that He was not a part of this. I assured her that she was safe and she didn't ever have to worry about these people coming for her. I assured her out loud that I would die before I would ever let harm come to her.......and that she was worthy and loved and enough just as she is.....and that she should never, never, ever feel anything less. No harm shall ever be allowed to come to my children in this home based on the color of their skin. In Jesus name.
I can't gaurantee this outside of our home, of course. I'm not dumb. But for my 9 year old child to be able to sleep last night, she needed to feel safe. I could 100% gaurantee her safety last night.
I am not prepared to raise my black children in this white community with the history they need to learn. I need help. I need the collective village to help me educate them, affirm them, prepare them and equip them for this world they need to live in. I would much rather keep them here in my big comfy bed, in our nurtured parenting house....but the day is coming when they, too, will pick a college and a life plan and a spouse and a life......
I will always be a parent to my kids and I will never, ever be prepared. I'm hoping you all will help me do a good-enough job to get them all where they were intended to be by God's great and perfect plan.
We can only prepare for a fraction of what will actually happen as we parent.
Maybe your kid will throw a fit in public and you will be helpless to fix it. Maybe someone else will step in and do a better thing than you know how to do......
Maybe your kid will go out and do something independent and wonderful and you can't know if they are being good or bad.....
Maybe your kid will be exposed to something horrible that you didn't get a chance to prepare them for.....and they will have to process BIG feelings without you. No way to prepare for that.
Recently Precious was exposed to that aweful piece of American history where the KKK lynched and killed black people I hadn't had a chance to cover that thus far. We have talked a lot about black slavery in the early American history and we have talked about Rosa Parks......but we hadn't covered KKK and lynching. She saw a random program about it and I wasn't there. It woke up big, big feelings in her that she didn't know what to do with. When she and I finally connected at the end of a very, very long day, there were more big feelings than facts to sift through.
Because I am Christian and because I know Jesus, I could call a Hail Mary parenting play and tell her that we would look into this more together and we would study this part of history together, but for now, she needed to know that this part of history and this event was from satan. Satan authored this racial hate and slaughtering of human beings. Satan orchestrated it and everyone involved was likely burning in Hell. Precious is a covenant child, loved and redeemed by God himself and I could tell her that He was not a part of this. I assured her that she was safe and she didn't ever have to worry about these people coming for her. I assured her out loud that I would die before I would ever let harm come to her.......and that she was worthy and loved and enough just as she is.....and that she should never, never, ever feel anything less. No harm shall ever be allowed to come to my children in this home based on the color of their skin. In Jesus name.
I can't gaurantee this outside of our home, of course. I'm not dumb. But for my 9 year old child to be able to sleep last night, she needed to feel safe. I could 100% gaurantee her safety last night.
I am not prepared to raise my black children in this white community with the history they need to learn. I need help. I need the collective village to help me educate them, affirm them, prepare them and equip them for this world they need to live in. I would much rather keep them here in my big comfy bed, in our nurtured parenting house....but the day is coming when they, too, will pick a college and a life plan and a spouse and a life......
I will always be a parent to my kids and I will never, ever be prepared. I'm hoping you all will help me do a good-enough job to get them all where they were intended to be by God's great and perfect plan.
I personally feel the best things we can do is be transparent about what has happened and what is currently happening in our world and then let them know they can ask us anything (what's age appropriate is a grey area - like your situation, we never know what the world will try to expose our kiddos to before we can prepare them for it so we just do the best we can). There are some things we will never fully 100% grasp as white moms of black children regarding the things they will face... and it can be quite terrifying if you let fear take hold & contemplate the possibilities, but you did what was the most important thing for now: affirm her safety & acceptance in her own home & point out that this was absolutely not of God. Continue to seek godly mirrors for her (black women of faith) and continue to instill that pride in who she is. Perhaps books of famous black women + artwork + continued hair knowledge + history + train her how to be safe & how to respond whenever she does encounter prejudice/racism/etc. in an intelligent/respectful way. Teach her what all those words mean. Notice the movements that people of color are involved with and explain them to her as she gets older & support her with those she's passionate about. Continue to educate yourself personally about what's happening in our nation - there's still so much happening against people of color. An American Girl movie we liked that was on Netflix is Melody 1963. There are multiple FB groups that I've scanned through, but many are hard for white moms to suck it up and read through because, like you said, it's difficult for us to be fully prepared for the task at hand. You are in a good place though I feel when you can acknowledge that you need support and are actually open to it. :) You've encouraged me to go back to the drawing board and consider the topics that my kiddos will be learning about this year. We homeschool - so history isn't whitewashed here (made to look good so nobody gets mad at white folks). The bible has some scary stories in it - real life has scary stuff in it. I don't think we need to shelter them from reality once they've been exposed to it. This topic may have hit her early, but there it is and life is messy. Time to have the tough conversations and let her know you'll cover what she's comfortable with hearing. Its all easier said than done of course. Praying for you all. Pray for us 2! :)
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