"Can I think about it?" .....on self-regulation. A parenting post.
Self-regulation is this thing we have gotten better at discussing at our house. To be self-regulated means that you can manage your thoughts and feelings in a way that you can get from point A to point B without trouble. Dis-regulation often means that thoughts and feelings miss-fire and it is hard to manage behaviors and impulses and problem-solving. We all have triggers that dis-regulate us. We all have ways to self-regulate. In my family of 5 kiddos, that looks different for each one. (and for me, quite frankly)
Precious Maryn has always struggled with self-regulation. Josiah struggles too, but not as much. In our family, it seems to be harder for the kids who started with one mom and then came to another.....perhaps adoption, by nature, disrupts self-regulation. In any case, self-regulating is an issue here. My other phrase for "self-regulate" is to "reset your button". Resetting buttons for a child who is having a meltdown is tricky stuff.
Today, Josiah came home very dis-regulated and angry and sad. After he and I yelled at each other a bit (because I am human and not a perfect parent) I was able to reset my own button and go to him. I took him by the hands and led him to our rocking chair that we love and I pulled him on my lap and rocked him and kissed his head and held him there. Physical touch is a big part of how we reset our buttons here. After a few moments I could do something silly with an action figure....and make him giggle. The giggle was my green light. I asked him if he wanted to watch a cartoon for awhile and he said he did. Then he decided a snack would be good. Distraction. Snacks.
Precious had a self-regulation success today and I am writing it down so that I won't forget it! This morning I told them that since dad was golfing for his third night in a row, we would order out for supper tonight and mom would not cook. They like these nights because they don't have to face vegetables or new dishes on their plates. They can bank on fries and chicken strips and pizza and burgers.....I like these nights because I can just throw away wrappers instead of slicing and chopping and boiling and frying and mixing and mashing.....and convincing them to eat....and then cleaning it all up after.
She had clearly thought about supper during her day because the minute she saw me she blurted out her fast-food dinner request. Food is a big deal for her and the root of 75% of our battles at home. Once in the car, I said that we needed to discuss dinner. I had a gift card for one place (not the one she asked for), and I had stuff at home to make fries and nuggets......or I could use the little bit left in the bank until payday tomorrow and get what she wanted to eat. Palpable silence ensued....(.well, other than the endless chatter from Josiah. If you know him you know that he never. stops. talking.) Palpable silence from Precious as I waited for the tears, the yelling and "but you said-!" My teeth were clenched and my hands were white-knuckled gripping the steering wheel as I forced myself to breathe quietly in.....then out......
"Can I think about it?" she asked quietly. Yes. Yes she did. She did not rage or cry or become a victim blaming me for unforgivable injustice......she wanted a few moments to think about it. That, my friends, is progress. And self-regulation. And a growing maturity that makes me so stinkin' proud of my girl. In the end, we were able to swing it to get her the meal she had been wanting and hoping for....and so maybe there was a reward for her self-control and her ability to manage her thoughts and feelings.
5 words. "Can I think about it?" words with power and self-regulation and respect. I think I should approach a few of my harder issues with this sentence. My kiddo continues to teach me so much about how to do life better. The hardest kids in the family often do, I think.
Precious Maryn has always struggled with self-regulation. Josiah struggles too, but not as much. In our family, it seems to be harder for the kids who started with one mom and then came to another.....perhaps adoption, by nature, disrupts self-regulation. In any case, self-regulating is an issue here. My other phrase for "self-regulate" is to "reset your button". Resetting buttons for a child who is having a meltdown is tricky stuff.
Today, Josiah came home very dis-regulated and angry and sad. After he and I yelled at each other a bit (because I am human and not a perfect parent) I was able to reset my own button and go to him. I took him by the hands and led him to our rocking chair that we love and I pulled him on my lap and rocked him and kissed his head and held him there. Physical touch is a big part of how we reset our buttons here. After a few moments I could do something silly with an action figure....and make him giggle. The giggle was my green light. I asked him if he wanted to watch a cartoon for awhile and he said he did. Then he decided a snack would be good. Distraction. Snacks.
Precious had a self-regulation success today and I am writing it down so that I won't forget it! This morning I told them that since dad was golfing for his third night in a row, we would order out for supper tonight and mom would not cook. They like these nights because they don't have to face vegetables or new dishes on their plates. They can bank on fries and chicken strips and pizza and burgers.....I like these nights because I can just throw away wrappers instead of slicing and chopping and boiling and frying and mixing and mashing.....and convincing them to eat....and then cleaning it all up after.
She had clearly thought about supper during her day because the minute she saw me she blurted out her fast-food dinner request. Food is a big deal for her and the root of 75% of our battles at home. Once in the car, I said that we needed to discuss dinner. I had a gift card for one place (not the one she asked for), and I had stuff at home to make fries and nuggets......or I could use the little bit left in the bank until payday tomorrow and get what she wanted to eat. Palpable silence ensued....(.well, other than the endless chatter from Josiah. If you know him you know that he never. stops. talking.) Palpable silence from Precious as I waited for the tears, the yelling and "but you said-!" My teeth were clenched and my hands were white-knuckled gripping the steering wheel as I forced myself to breathe quietly in.....then out......
"Can I think about it?" she asked quietly. Yes. Yes she did. She did not rage or cry or become a victim blaming me for unforgivable injustice......she wanted a few moments to think about it. That, my friends, is progress. And self-regulation. And a growing maturity that makes me so stinkin' proud of my girl. In the end, we were able to swing it to get her the meal she had been wanting and hoping for....and so maybe there was a reward for her self-control and her ability to manage her thoughts and feelings.
5 words. "Can I think about it?" words with power and self-regulation and respect. I think I should approach a few of my harder issues with this sentence. My kiddo continues to teach me so much about how to do life better. The hardest kids in the family often do, I think.
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