some thoughts on fear and courage

 We just returned from a volleyball competition in Kansas City.  These weekends of club volleyball are exciting and stressful, expensive and also costly in social and emotional currency.  Some moments gain and some moments lose in the account.  The recent article that circulated locally about why someone pulled his kids out of club volleyball was interesting to say the least.  What he didn't describe was the social and interpersonal and spiritual gain that are available by leaving town and spending time with people who don't look like you, think like you or care about the same things.....and how some of those moments are rich teaching moments between parents and children that would not be available if all we ever did was live, work and play with our local circle of peers.  I'm going to discipline myself to say no more on that topic.  I was fearful to even bring it up but I'm just tired enough tonight to feel a bit courageous as well.  

My kiddo has some really deep fears of being rejected, not accepted, left out and excluded.  We battle this off and on all the time and I understand why it's there but those on the other side of it (classmates, teammates, etc.) don't share the same history or experience therefore they do not understand.  Middle school has amplified this in a way I was not prepared for.....this age of 12-15 year olds is next level.  Mean can be subtle, kind can be unnoticed.  Afraid can look like bitchy, and courage can look like pain.  The excuses fly on both sides of all of it and it is exhausting.  Yet.  and still.  I am called to one purpose for her and that is to parent her, teach her, discipline her, guide her and ultimately to always point her to Jesus and who we are in relationship to Him.  I can't decide if it is fear or courage that will keep me from listing out the specific examples of the weekend.  When in doubt, say less.  

Here is what I can say.  Roger stayed back this time with Josiah who had basketball, and then he had to leave for a work trip today.  We went without him and I had to navigate the things he usually does that make travelling easier....and I was nervous and apprehensive but let's face it, I'm not an idiot.  I am capable.  I am competent and intelligent and articulate.  I navigated the travel, the hotel, the kid who was crying and wanting to quit volleyball because of this and that.  I was terrified to drive to the convention center from the hotel.   The interstates, the on and off ramps, the construction, parking, etc.  The first day I asked if we could ride with another family and they were kind and let us jump in.  The second day we had to leave by 6 am and I asked if we could again.....we had had a short and rather stressful night in the hotel.  I didn't have to drive the second day but I would have to drive  today.  Yesterday we parked across from the massive convention center in a sweet parking lot attached to a church.  When we got back to the hotel (20 minute drive) last night I told myself, or maybe God told me.....you may be afraid to drive to a monstrous convention center in a major city, but you can drive to church.  

This morning, I pulled up my google maps and put in the name of the church;  Grace and Holy Trinity Cathedral, downtown Kansas City.  I defrosted the car, I packed up our belongings and we set off into the clear morning sunshine.  Fear and courage are sometimes opposite sides of the same coin.  I decided to just hold the coin and breathe and drive.  I can do hard things.  

We got to the venue, I had to drop P off to get her wrist taped from an injury and told her to find another team mom....I waited almost 20 minutes to get into the parking garage after driving around for about 15 minutes trying to figure out where to park.  I even let someone budge in front of me and sent up a silent prayer that there would be enough parking spots for me and there was a spot for me.....

I wish I could somehow convey to my sweet girl, that even in the conflict and the push and pull, the stress and fear she can be sure that there is a spot for her as well.  I will continue to try to provide her with lots of opportunities to explore and prove that it is true.  Today I told her that even though some of what we are doing is painful and feels like rejection, there are opportunities here to be kind and generous, to show the fruit of the Spirit and the heart of Jesus to others, to face our fears and to honor our commitments.  It's not about a sport or a school or a group or a club.  It's about how we are more than who we are.  It's about knowing how to face fear and courage and not run from either one.