Claire has a college visit.....
Tonight I dropped Claire off at the local college for an overnight/college visit. She has had 2 college visits before this one and for both of them I felt excited for her, eager to hear her thoughts. Tonight was different. I watched her walk toward the student center and my throat got tight. Tears filled my eyes. This is really happening now. We aren't just talking about college visits. She is making plans to go to college. She will leave home soon. I don't want her to go. I don't want her to stay forever either, but I really don't feel ready to let her go. I like her. I like having her around. I enjoy her presence. I will miss her so, so much.
When I was her age, it was different. I wanted to leave and go as far away as I could. I could not wait to go. I was in a different place than she is. I was troubled and hurting. I didn't know who I was or what I should be doing. I was not following the Lord. Claire is. She so much is following the Lord and she is listening closely and heavily for His opinion on her future. She wants to be in His will. She wants her life to have purpose. She is hungry for the direction that God has for her......and because this is her position, I am tearful and overwhelmed.
I have poured into her 110% for 18 plus years. I have given her to the Lord in my heart over and over and over and very soon I will have to do it for real. I will have to release her to her journey, her destiny. I don't want to do it. I want to keep her here. I want to keep counting to 5 when I count my children......I want to set the table for 7 every Sunday noon......I don't want to let her go.
I will though. I will because I have learned that we cannot keep people. We can keep books and china and special photos and other souvenirs....but we cannot keep people. Our job as parents is to love our children and grow them up and do our best to prepare them for life....and then to let them go and live it. Oh. My. Heart.
I hope and pray that this college visit is amazing. I hope she can picture herself living in a dorm and jumping into the life of a college student, and I hope that she can make a decision on where she should be next year. Maybe not beyond that but at least for next year. I pray that God will open and close doors for her to make it clear to her. I pray God will make her path straight. I pray she will not have to walk a journey of rebellion and pain and heartache that I did. I want better for her.
The best part of this heartache is that I trust her. I trust the Holy Spirit in her. I trust the Lord to guide her. I trust her heart and her mind. I trust her values and her interests and her passions. I trust her. I will love this next part of parenting where I get to watch her walk out everything we have taught her in our home. I will love seeing her use the tools we gave her to navigate her journey. I will love watching God Almighty use her for His Kingdom Glory....and bless her with His love and provision. Gosh. It is gonna be a sweet thing watching her find her wings and just take off. It's gonna be ok.
When I was her age, it was different. I wanted to leave and go as far away as I could. I could not wait to go. I was in a different place than she is. I was troubled and hurting. I didn't know who I was or what I should be doing. I was not following the Lord. Claire is. She so much is following the Lord and she is listening closely and heavily for His opinion on her future. She wants to be in His will. She wants her life to have purpose. She is hungry for the direction that God has for her......and because this is her position, I am tearful and overwhelmed.
I have poured into her 110% for 18 plus years. I have given her to the Lord in my heart over and over and over and very soon I will have to do it for real. I will have to release her to her journey, her destiny. I don't want to do it. I want to keep her here. I want to keep counting to 5 when I count my children......I want to set the table for 7 every Sunday noon......I don't want to let her go.
I will though. I will because I have learned that we cannot keep people. We can keep books and china and special photos and other souvenirs....but we cannot keep people. Our job as parents is to love our children and grow them up and do our best to prepare them for life....and then to let them go and live it. Oh. My. Heart.
I hope and pray that this college visit is amazing. I hope she can picture herself living in a dorm and jumping into the life of a college student, and I hope that she can make a decision on where she should be next year. Maybe not beyond that but at least for next year. I pray that God will open and close doors for her to make it clear to her. I pray God will make her path straight. I pray she will not have to walk a journey of rebellion and pain and heartache that I did. I want better for her.
The best part of this heartache is that I trust her. I trust the Holy Spirit in her. I trust the Lord to guide her. I trust her heart and her mind. I trust her values and her interests and her passions. I trust her. I will love this next part of parenting where I get to watch her walk out everything we have taught her in our home. I will love seeing her use the tools we gave her to navigate her journey. I will love watching God Almighty use her for His Kingdom Glory....and bless her with His love and provision. Gosh. It is gonna be a sweet thing watching her find her wings and just take off. It's gonna be ok.
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