He is Greater.....John 3:30 says He must become greater, I must become less"

I have a stirring in me to write something about when our birdies start to leave the nest.  I hate everything about this but as it goes, I need to start writing about it.  For me. I hate this because I am a mama bird and I love to have my birds in our nest.  Period.  I love to count them as we sit at the table, as we get in the car, as we file into our row in church......as I wonder if there will ever be more birdies in the nest.....and as I marvel at the beautiful thing it is to be their mama. This week, Claire was on a vacation with my parents and her cousin.  The rest of us left for a 3 day adventure in Omaha which included shopping, dinner out to Spaghetti Works downtown, and the zoo.  My count was off.  I had to stop at 4 and that was really hard for my brain.  This was practice for when she graduates and is more gone than she even is now.... She will go.  As will her siblings after her....and eventually (someday) it will just be ...

Self-regulation is this thing we have gotten better at discussing at our house.  To be self-regulated means that you can manage your thoughts and feelings in a way that you can get from point A to point B without trouble.  Dis-regulation often means that thoughts and feelings miss-fire and it is hard to manage behaviors and impulses and problem-solving.  We all have triggers that dis-regulate us.  We all have ways to self-regulate.  In my family of 5 kiddos, that looks different for each one.  (and for me, quite frankly) Precious Maryn has always struggled with self-regulation.  Josiah struggles too, but not as much.  In our family, it seems to be harder for the kids who started with one mom and then came to another.....perhaps adoption, by nature, disrupts self-regulation.  In any case, self-regulating is an issue here.  My other phrase for "self-regulate" is to "reset your button".  Resetting buttons for a child who is having a...

It is mid-July.  Summer break is officially half over for my tribe.  This is a good place to pause and reflect, be mindful and present, and look ahead. Early summer yielded strawberries.  We made some into jam and froze some whole so that this winter, when everything is frozen and cold and dark, we can open a ziploc bag and smell June again in our frozen perfectly ripened berries.  Early summer also offered Memorial Day holiday spent at home as a family, and July 4 spent in South Dakota with more family.....and lots of hours logged watching baseball.  Claire went to Haiti.  We worked in the backyard a lot because that is our play place.  (We won't mention the tree falling on the fence again.  I think we covered that.) Mid-summer yielded a good week at day camp for Precious.  In her daily journal TAWG (Time away with God) she drew pictures and wrote about Todd dying, and Cyndi living without him.....Jeremiah switched out his baseball glov...

Today was funeral day.  Not gonna lie, I was not looking forward to it.  We started the day with an epic meltdown......and I used up about 75% of my parenting energy in that hour.....but then with some prayer and careful parent moves, we were able to move forward. The funeral was significant.  Worthy words were prayed and spoken and sung.....and Jesus was glorified in Todd's life which was the main thing he wanted.  I shared a list of some things I feel like I have learned from Todd or through Todd and asked everyone there to listen as I read each one and see what resonated with them.   My hope was that there would be ideas we could all take and move forward in the world doing good things in Jesus name, and in Todd's honor, really. I few people asked for a copy of the list so I will post it here.  Thanks folks, for reading along while I worked through my heart ache of this good-bye.  Thanks for encouraging me to write and to be real.  Thanks ...

Aren't you all just waiting to hear what I am up to tonight?  I'm sure you are.  (insert sarcasm).....well you get it either way because on these days I need to write before I can sleep. Presently I am playing lullabies in the bed beside Josiah.  It is really late and he is trying to go to sleep but he wants to talk about Uncle Todd in the casket and what is a cemetery......and that he loves him and he is sad that he is gone.....I am also trying decide what to say tomorrow at the funeral.  I was asked to share a few words.  I feel like I am better one on one, or better yet, fingers on keyboard typing late at night.  Nonetheless.....I will stand up in front of everyone who came to say good-bye once more to Todd and open my mouth.....and something will fall out of it.  Lets hope it is worthy words. He deserves worthy words.  He lived such an important life.  It strikes me now that part of what made his life important was the amount of suff...

This song has been very important to Todd and Cyndi as they prepared for Todd to finish well here on Earth.  He wanted to hear it in his last hours and so we played it and stood around him and we listened and we cried and we agreed.  Going home is a crying thing, a reflective thing.....an important thing.  Today, I was struck over and over by how many things Todd can do today in Heaven that he could not do on Earth.....and after sharing life with him for so long, I had forgotten how much he was missing.  He isn't missing anything now that he is home.....He can walk and run and laugh and dance and sing and raise his arms in praise and bow down low before Creator God....things he has only been able to do in his mind for many years. At one point yesterday, in prayer, he said that the sacrifice of his legs was worth it to keep his mind.  His mind was sharp.  In the things of God, and the walk with Him, it is the battle of the mind that we are always waging an...

32 years and a few days ago, my uncle Todd had a car accident.  It was just days after his wedding and my last memory, before the accident, was dancing with him at his wedding.  I was one of the bridesmaids, just 17 years old....and though he was "uncle" he was more like big brother, just 5 years older than me.  In the accident, he was thrown from his car and paralyzed from the neck down.  He has spent 32 years in a wheelchair. This week, he has been planning a trip.  It is a very important trip.  It is his trip.....home.  To Jesus.  The paralysis first took his legs and years later, his arms, then his ability to eat and later, to breathe without a ventilator and trach.  In spite of every loss, his love for life and for relationships was strong.  He wanted to live and to enjoy the sunshine, and his wife, and their life together......until recently when it became clear that he wasn't really living anymore but mostly dying.  His lu...

I am presently sitting in my screened in porch.  I see the pool reflection glisten on the trees, and the low sunlight in the pool.  It is so peaceful in this moment.  My candle is burning and smelling like.....hm.  let me check the label:  Beachwalk by Yankee Candle.  The ceiling fans are moving air and the birds are singing in the trees......these are the moments, the deep breath moments.....that matter. I have sensory struggles.  Mostly I struggle with noises.  Yelling, crying, dogs barking, doors slamming, tv and Ipads too loud......and when the whole family ran out to buy fire works and the house is still I take my deep breath moments.  Oh, how I wish I could bottle them for later, but I have to keep waiting for them, and when they come, to seize them. As I get older and wiser and life gets more and more complicated, I recognize that these deep breath moments are really important.  Going on a walk for exercise isn't enough anymo...